Cheers, Bitch. Cheers.

Almost.

2011-12-05T23:20:00.001-08:00

I'd say getting to 17 points of gratitude in a month that certainly didn't deserve any was quite a feat so GO. ME.
Points 18 - 30 consist of a love letter to my people. Because as much as I enjoy a life of hermit-ness, I rely heavily on my people to make it through every day. The 15 minute call with my mom on my ride home. The daily IM with Nicole B. that can be merely a "Hi, I heart you, you make life better" or a full blown vent-sesh that she totally doesn't have time for. I look forward to the point in my day when I see her name in my buddy list. (PS? Who at aol thought "buddy" was normal...hey 1957.) The text from Suz that let's me know she's making it through another day with strength and resolve. I miss her so much but also feel like we saw each other yesterday. The morning IM with Naz who has become one of my biggest cheerleaders. The calls with friends who have so much of their own shit to worry about, but still take on my worry as their own. My dude. Who picked my crying, heaving, snotting ass up off the floor all weekend (slash-the-past-two-years) and who believes in me enough for the both of us.
Finally, to November, for teaching me that no matter how depressed or beaten down or just effing tired I am...I will always be ok. Better than ok. The sunshine is coming...I just have to be patient. And work my ass off.

I have an effing job.

2011-11-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

12. I have a job for the foreseeable future. I have bosses who truly want to see me succeed. I know how rare that is. For that, I am truly grateful. (Even though bitches be trippin sometimes.)

13. My mom's cooking. Specifically, her pies. My mom can THROW. DOWN. some Thanksgiving food, y'all.

14. Thanksgiving. It's my favorite.

15. My nephews. They don't know I'm a fuck up. Yet. Until then, they will continue to light up like beautiful fricking Christmas trees when I come in the room. Their laughter = happy crack.

16. Being able to come up with four (five now, bitches!) things to be grateful for on this spectacularly shitty day!! Yaaaay!

17. This:

Because...come on. Wook at the wittle DEER and the kitty!!! They're talking! I can't.

My bitches.

2011-11-22T23:26:00.000-08:00

11. The amazing women I have met in the last 10 years of my life. Work. School. and Work again (although the last Work only has one amazing woman entry and about fourteen thousand crazy fucking bitches...sorry. FOCUS. Where was I? Gratitude.) Amazing. Women. For many years, I tried to convince myself that I didn't like chicks, that I preferred the company of dudes. Which may or may not have been true, but maybe it was the people I'd met. Or maybe that's just a tramp's excuse for sleeping with LOTS. O. BOYS. Anyway, then I became a bitter old bitch and realized that a lot of dudes suck and a lot of women are really rad. Better than rad. Life-changing phenomenal women who have the power to make you a better version of yourself. In the past two days, I have had dinner with four of these women. Monday night I had dinner with two women I met in grad school and liked instantly. Which never happens...I'm genetically predispositioned to not like/trust you on sight and then (possibly) work it out later. [Also? Is predispositioned not a word - because it's underlined...even if I add a dash. Fine. Genetic predisposition. I have one. Tangent over.]
Grad school women - we met last night to celebrate the pregnancy of one of us (no it's not me) and learned that another of us is splitting from her husband. The conversation that followed was so full of ups and downs, but mostly love. The three of us had not been in a room together since 2009...and in five minutes, we were closer than I've been to anyone. Honest, raw, real, heartbreaking. Shockingly, there were no tears, but lots of laughter. I walked away from that dinner so impressed with the resiliency of these women. And feeling much less angsty about my bullshit because really? It's all bullshit. I'm fine.
And then tonight, two women from the first Work (obviously since I have ONE FRIEND at work now that I can stand...one.) and my dude, who was friends with these two before I met any of them. We shut the place down. Over two and a half hours of non-stop talking, laughing, no...howling, and gossip. Oh the GOSSIP. We could put celeb gossip mags out of business with the collective knowledge...gotta love the biz.
Anyhoots. I LOVE the women in my life. Because contrary to what Terrence Howard told us, it's way harder out there for a bitch than it is for a pimp.

Continued...

2011-11-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

10. No matter what happens tomorrow...I am loved.

Gratitude

2011-11-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

I had the excellent intention at the beginning of the month that I would make November the month of gratitude...extending the idea of Thanksgiving throughout the whole month. It was to be particularly fitting in that this month is kind of a big one for me and I didn't want the stress of it to overshadow how blessed I am. So I was going to come here, every day (I know...flawed from the start) and post something I was grateful for. No matter how small. 30 days...30 things I'm grateful for.
Instead, I forgot about it and the month is halfway over...and here we are. But better late than never, right? So to catch up, here are some things I am grateful for.

1. My mom. I know none of you saw that coming! But seriously guys...she's an amazing woman and my best friend.
2. My dude. Even when things suck, there isn't anyone else I'd rather work through life's issues with. And when things are great...they're really fucking awesome.
3. My girlfriends. I have some of the most amazing women in my life - as evidenced by my birthday. It was the first time I'd mingled so many different people in my life...usually I'm an expert at keeping everyone separate because I think that's how I like it. And I'm not one for crowds. But Friday night, a few of these chicks from various parts of my life came together and it was lovely.
4. My kitty. Yup. I said it.
5. My job. To have one, first and foremost. Also, to have one in which I am learning daily and am surrounded by people who are genuinely interested in my growth.
6. My apartment. All of my issues with my place stem from me being lazy and not ransacking the hell out of my belongings but I really do love my cozy little apartment. I just need to throw away 60% of what I own.
7. My brain. Although I contend that dumb people are happier, I am grateful for the brain I have.
8. The butterfly at work. I'm sure there isn't only one but it seems like it because whenever I sit outside for lunch...I see one single butterfly. Sometimes flying around the trees, sometimes in the grass, sometimes against the cement buildings. It makes me so happy.
9. This video. Because if there's anything cuter in the whole world, I haven't seen it. I mean. Endless amounts of joy.

That's enough for this evening but it was a good exercise before going to bed. I need to remind myself more often how truly fucking awesome my life is.

Confession

2011-10-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

I am stressed.
There. I said it.
HAPPY NOW BRAIN? Now maybe you'll stop fucking with me.
Hello everyone. I'm a represser. I will repress and repress until I sit straight up in bed, unable to get a full breath. Until I am so far into a binge-sesh that I'm contemplating purging. Which I never do, because I'm a pussy. SO that equals compulsive overeating, in case you were keeping track. Which, in turn, leads to me missing three weeks of WW because I'm embarrassed I can't have a normal relationship with food.
My self-destructive nature knows no bounds. And I guess what amazes me most is that even when my life is going swimmingly (yes. swimmingly.) my brain will invent things to be upset about. Is that some kind of disorder? Because I'm pretty sure it is. Some kind of hereditary crazytown disorder where one is completely incapable of just BEING HAPPY and enjoying the mothereffing RIDE every once in a while. Sheez.
Also? It's kind of amazing that just writing all that makes me feel a bit better.

I feel pretty (see also: sarcasm font)

2011-10-21T00:59:00.001-07:00

My 32nd birthday is in less than a month. It's not something I particularly feel like celebrating. Not that I'm all OH GOD THIRTY TWO. It's more of a...huh. 32 eh? Alrighty then. Biological clock is ticking but the alarm isn't ringing. I'm happily boo'd up and on the path to forever but not quite ready for marital bliss and all the work that entails. I'm progressing in my career but not quite at the stage I thought I'd be at this point. There's a lot of...on the verge. On the cusp. On the brink. Yeah. There's a whole lot of vergey, cuspy, brinky shit going on.
Feel kind of like Tony. Who knows...Something's Coming. That has always been my least favorite song from Westside Story and what was coming to Tony was catching Maria's brother with the wrong end of a shiv and then fucking death. So it's no surprise that this ALMOST place I find myself in makes me uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable, I mean anxious, frustrated, sad and all around awesome. If I were to garner any kind of perspective, I'd tell myself to calm the fuck down. But that would require me to stop beating myself up and, well, that's just unheard of.

Crankypants.

2011-10-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, no matter how old a girl is...she just needs her mommy. Just needs a mommy hug and a mommy laugh and the love that only a mommy can give. Because everyone else sucks.
Not really. But sometimes? REALLY.

Other things I need include:
1. A kick-ass girls' night with dirty martinis, high heels, dancing, laughing and no fucking crying.
2. A vacation. By myself. Two days of being completely alone. Preferably in a small Spanish town, discovering old churches and fantastic restaurants. But I will settle for two days in my apartment, watching Felicity.
3. Yoga.
4. Did I mention martinis? Yes? Well. Again. A dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives, please. And to have sophisticated cocktails like the 31 year old lady I am but with the hangover of a 21 year old.
5. To get my apartment in some sort of state that makes me not want to light a match. Which will entail me getting rid of half of what I own because this place is too small.
6. For people to stop asking when I'm getting engaged. And to stop asking My Dude when he's going to propose. Because the answer is...when it fucking happens and you're not helping.

That whole weekly writing thing is not going to work out. Because sometimes I just don't have anything to say.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

2011-09-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

I just answered the door for the delivery dude wearing flannel pajama bottoms (yellow ones, mind you...bright. yellow.), a blue "Glee" tshirt, a very messy bun, and (the kicker) holding a very angry cat. I felt the need to yell after him "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. I SWEAR!!"

Me Time. (Ugh, shut me up.)

2011-09-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

I most certainly am NOT watching a movie called Beauty and the (fricking) Briefcase, starring Hilary Duff.
And you know what, this may be what I miss most about being single. Sitting here by myself, watching terrible TV/movies. There is something so completely awesome about it. The independence and freedom to watch whatever the fuck you want, without worrying about someone else's tastes...or the heavy sighing/mocking that comes along with it. Compromise is so overrated.
There is plenty that doesn't suck about having a dude. I am very happy, he's fantastic, blahblah...I LOVE being by myself. I am so my mother.
The couple of nights a week I have to myself, I cherish like no other. This is in no way meant to sound ungrateful or like those whiny bitches who complain for 30 years about having no man and then complain the next 30 about having one. Vomit. I'm just saying that spending all of my free time with a (wonderful) man makes me love my time with myself all the more. And there is something so fucking awesome about picking my face in the mirror for 20 minutes without someone wondering why you're in the bathroom for that long.

Surprise!

2011-08-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

WELL. 7 months this time! I'm such an overachiever.
Oh how I've missed my little internet nook. I've been craving a creative outlet and haven't done a damn thing about it besides the odd boring tweet about...nothing. SNOOZE. So I'd like to hereby commit to myself to write at least once a week. Just...write. Get out some of the shit that is pushing against the walls of my cranium. And hopefully spare some of the people in my life the CRAZY (namely, My Dude, who is ever so patient).
Life continues and is actually going rather well...I'm happy. Although I seem to do a lot to fight that. I'm working on being gentle with myself, at the request of one Nicole.
Of course, it is now 1 am and I should be fast asleep. Having spent much of the weekend in bed, battling epically horrible cramps with the help of Vicoprofen and my Kindle, I am not very tired at the moment. But shall put the damn computer away and attempt to sleep.
Tomorrow, it's work (going well), gym (going but not quite so well) and then finally finishing The Sopranos, because it's never too late to watch an amazing show in its entirety. Also doing the same with Melrose Place, fyi, and I highly recommend. God Bless Netflix.

6 months?!

2011-01-27T00:20:00.001-08:00

Really? I don't know why that surprises me, but somehow it does. Truthfully, I have started to delete this blog countless times and for some reason, I just can't. I know I could take it private, I know I could just keep it for me...but I know I'd miss the connection. Even though I clearly haven't been using it to communicate with my blog peeps, it's still my little corner of the internet - however dusty or neglected it has become. And I have been missing writing. Or a creative outlet of any kind.
So, for the three people who might stumble across this out of curiosity someday...here's a short update on the last six (SIX!) months:

I did not pass the bar on my first time out. Even though I told myself I expected it, it stung like a motherfucker. I will take it again in July...wasn't quite ready (mentally or financially) to do it again in Feb so July it is. The kicker is that I missed by a mere handful of points, which almost stings more. Assholes.
I've moved back to Cali, into my own little place in a part of the city I've never lived in but where most of my friends are...and I'm loving it. I am so happy to be home.
I am gainfully employed. Job title: Broke Ass Bitch. But with the current economic climate and several grad school classmates completely unemployed and suffering...I am eternally grateful that I have a paycheck, however meager.
I still have amazing family and friends who, when I think about what they've done for me and how they've supported me, bring me to happy-tears every time. The family is healthy and my 94-year-old grandmother is still hanging in there so blessings abound. The nephys are fricking FIVE and smart and gorgeous. I miss Texas nephy so much, I can't think about it.
I have started Weight Watchers, for real this time with meetings and everything. I go with my darling friend and am optimistic that this is the year I build the foundation for life-long health. I'm so ready.
And finally...I am still with my dude. We had our year anniversary recently and are really damn happy. We have fun, we laugh a lot, we talk, we dream and we use the word "we" to an annoying extent. Yup. I'm that girl. And fuck if I don't deserve it. (See, for deserving-ness: this entire blog.)

And there you have it, my friends. Hopefully it won't take another six months to find my way back here.

I miss my blog.

2010-07-19T21:11:00.001-07:00

That is all.

Dancing Machine

2010-04-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

I decided that last night would be an excellent time to play Dance Dance Revolution for the first time ever. You know, the one with the pads and the arrows and it tells you where to step? Dude. That shit is FUN. I have a certain amount of rhythm but when it comes to following instructions, I become super uncoordinated. Definitely thought I would suck but I managed to do alright. Of course, I had been drinking a smidge so am sure I am overblowing my prowess. Still. Super effing fun.
However, if one is of the larger chested persuasion, I recommend a sports bra. I was holding my boobs half the time to avoid a black eye. Stop making me jump.
Because of this drunken dance party (that lasted until 4am), I was out of commission most of today and completely useless. Which is helpful when you have a lot of work to do. Now it is 8:30 and I'm just getting ready to write this stupid paper. Have I mentioned I'm over school? Cuz I am.
BUT. But but but!! I will be done in two weeks. DONE. With school. D. O. N. E.
I can't even believe it and I'm still pretty much in denial but it's exciting nonetheless.
Of course, in order to graduate, I should probably pass my classes so I will bid you adieu and hope you all have lovely weekends.

The Good, The Bad and the GODDAMNRACCOONISBACK

2010-04-19T20:21:00.001-07:00

Yes. The roommate in the attic is back. I'm fourteen seconds from poking my eyes out because I'm so exhausted, I can't see straight. I hosted a bachelorette party this weekend and was SO excited to crawl into bed last night after being girly for an entire 50-something hours...and then at 5am, Asshole McGee starts roaming around the walls. I can't even get into it because I had a full blown meltdown. Well. Several.
First one at 5:45am on the phone with the Mans. I texted him something about it being "back in the attic" and his sleepy brain turned that into "I've been attacked"...oops. I honestly hadn't meant to wake him but managed to both wake him up and scare the shit out of him. I'm awesome. Once I told him what was happening, I just burst into tears. He soothed me, made me laugh, and I fell back asleep. For another hour. Until it started again. Then my neighbor called at 8:15, which started an entire day of doorbells ringing with pointless inspections, on the phone with everyone and their fucking mother, fits of crying in between trying to get my effing work done...and then I realized that I needed help. I have too much to do and trying to shoulder this ridiculous situation on top of it was just counterproductive. Enter my parents. Who are so wonderful. Threatening phone calls and emails, complete with lawyer contact info. Hopefully this shit will go away soon. In the meantime, I am going to be one ridiculously cranky bitch. Who, by the way, still has work to do tonight. Hate. School. Over. It. So close. Yet so fucking far.
Anyway, the silver lining/light at the end/moment that is keeping me sane in the midst of this shitstorm...is that said Mans is coming to see me in a month. Sigh. Yay. A bitch just needs a hug, y'know? This also means that he will be meeting the parents.
Um. So. This has happened VERY rarely in the past and I have not brought a man into my parents' presence since 2001. You read that right. It's been almost 9 years since I've admitted that I've dated anyone, much less introduced anyone to the two most important people in my life. Holy effing sheez. I guess it must seem fast, given that it's only been a few months of real dating. But it's not like we met in January...I've known him for years and we kind of hit the ground running, so to speak.
The fact that he will meet my father is exciting and terrifying and right, all at the same time. Lord help us all.
Sometimes I still can't believe I'm in a "relationship" and I still feel pretty ridiculous saying "boyfriend" but here I am. All boo'd up and moving forward.

My roommate

2010-04-13T12:27:00.001-07:00

He was kinda huge, which you can't really tell. Even the seasoned pest control guy was surprised by how heavy he was. But y'all?

He was SO FRICKIN CUTE!! I totally take back the whole shoot him and stuff him approach. Very docile, which the guy said is rare - usually they're all hissing and spitting fire. But he just kinda looked up at us with his sad little eyes.

Sneaky bastard.

He will be released somewhere lovely to meet new pals to frolick with. And now I'm totally waiting for him to show back up in a week for revenge.

Ben's overgrown asshole of a brother

2010-04-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

This post is alternative titled: In Which I SWEAR and Write in ALL CAPS a fucking LOT.

So, those of you who have been around for a couple of years (aka all four of you) will recall a certain, ahem, incident involving a rodent in the attic. Blech. Last year I had a similar, albeit less fucking foul, incident in which there was scratching in the walls and the pest control people put down some kind of poison bait which cleared the problem up in one day. I mentioned to my management company both times that maybe they should find out WHERE THE FUCK THEY'RE GETTING IN and plug that shit up. But they are goddamn morons. Hate.
Cut to three weeks ago. Scratch scratch scratch. Gnaw gnaw SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! at 4am.
I called the management company. They called the pest control people. Who sent out a woman to check out the situation. Now, I have become considerably less feminist over the course of my 30 years and was immediately skeptical. My chauvinism triumphed when the bitch...I'm sorry...lady...could not open the fucking access thing to my attic. She was like, there's something on top of it. I was like, uh no there isn't, I've never put anything up there, you are just too goshdamn weak and why did they send me a woman to do a man's job. This was a Friday afternoon and she couldn't send a man out until Monday. Another weekend full of being awakened at 4am by scratching or some such nonsense. Not to mention the feline who races across my body every time she hears it. It's been awesome.
Monday came and went. I called. Management. Runaround. Pest control. Runaround. I finally lost my shit on someone in both offices and told them to figure it out or I would go insane from lack of sleep. Three weeks have gone by, people. I have. Gone. Insane. Complete with crying at work. And after work. And almost breaking up with the Mans because I was delirious. (I wish I were kidding...thank goodness he's patient.)
Last week, my neighbor calls me to ask if I'd heard any critters? (He's German and says critters...or maybe it was creatures with an accent. Whatthefuckever I told you I was delirious.) Apparently he returned from a month on the road, walked into his apartment, turned on the light, and there...in his AC vent...was an animal. Looking at him. And then it STUCK ITS PAW THROUGH THE VENT TO WAVE AT HIM. Hiii! I mean.
So yeah - both of us got on the pest control people and they finally sent someone out. To put traps...the kind that catch them alive (so they can release them to come right back in?!)...in the wrong fucking place. So still. Every morning. I'm awakened. 4am. 6am. Mindnumbing AM.
This morning, after falling back asleep for a couple hours, I'm again awakened by the ringing of my doorbell. On my porch is my neighbor, the property manager, and the pest control guy. At least they sent a fucking man this time. "Have you heard the animal this weekend?" Um. YES. Which is why I look like I haven't slept in three weeks. Because I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THREE FUCKING WEEKS. The management lady actually rubbed my arm and called me "poor dear" - I must look pitiful.
So the dude brings his ladder in, pushes up the fucking thing with EASE because he's a man and and MEN should be in charge of rodent capture, goddamnit. He put the traps in my attic. And I'm pretty sure the asshole's been trapped because I swear I can hear movement up there but not of the running around kind. I've now drugged myself in the hopes that I can drown out the sound of a fucking raccoon thrashing in a cage.
Animal rights my ass. Shoot the fucker. Look at me, I've damn near become a Texan!

Everything Man

2010-04-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

"Women just want a guy who respects our independence but also wants to take care of us. We want a guy who is secure but also gets jealous. We want a guy who truly listens to us but also wants us to kinda shut up...Sorry Mr. Sad Pants. It sucks being a dude. Women want an Everything Man."

And that, my friends, is why I love Cougartown. I have never heard it put more succinctly and accurately in my life. Should we pool our money and issue a PSA?

Tweet THIS, bitch.

2010-04-01T08:57:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Nic, I am now on Twitter. Try to contain your excitement.
I am truly boring but trying to ramp it up. I'm more interested in reading your shit than posting so let me know where you lovely people of the internet can be found.
Yes, I'm probably the last person on the planet to join...clearly I'm far from a trendsetter. The next person to follow me will push me into double digits. I'm coming for you, Kutcher!
In other news, my narcissism knows no bounds.

Woooosaaaahhhh

2010-03-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently 30 has ushered in an entirely new manifestation of my anxiety and it's fascinating. I've described my symptoms before - the vision narrowing, chest pressure, etc. - but this new one is a doozie.
About a month ago, I sat straight up out of a dead sleep at 3am and put my hand over my mouth. I bolted to the bathroom where I knelt down and waited. All the symptoms were there - nausea, tingly jaw feeling, excessive salivating to the point my mouth was filling up every two to three seconds (sorry to all of those who are making a face). Food poisoning? But why wasn't I actually getting sick. A few more minutes of spitting into the frickin toilet, I decided I wasn't going to hurl and so I drank a little water, looked at myself in the mirror and said "What the fuck was that?" Out loud. I managed to fall back asleep but was so effing confused in the morning, I consulted my physician...aka my mother. I was terrified she might ask me if I was pregnant but when she mentioned anxiety, I was thrown.
Really, body. Really? The tingles, chest pain and inability to breathe weren't enough? You had to go to full blown puke symptoms...in the fucking middle of the night?! Awesome.
And then it happened again yesterday, this time in my car (I don't know what it is about the fucking car and my anxiety but I've had it). I was almost home and started with the nausea and the mouth filling up with water...but this time I had nowhere to spit so I just had to swallow every two seconds until I got home. I told myself it was going to be ok, that it would pass, and then reached into my purse for Xanax. Breathed, popped the pill when I was sure I wouldn't drool on myself (seriously, it's unnatural how much saliva the human body can produce), talked out loud about how it was gonna be ok. Made it home and then I was fine.
What. The. Fuck.
The next few months are going to be a shitstorm of stress and I have got to get a handle on this now before I'm dry-heaving all over town. Yoga anyone?

I miss blogging

2010-03-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

Lately I've felt a need to blog again. I swear I have opened up the good ole blogger about 14 times, started to type, and then thrown my hands up in exasperation because nothing is coming out. At least nothing good. And not really thrown my hands up because who does that in real life. I feel like after all this time away, I have to come up with something brilliant. Unfortunately, I have been feeling a whole lot of things lately, but don't think brilliant is one of them.
In no particular order I have been feeling: happy, terrified, unmotivated, super-motivated (I toggle between these two on a regular basis), scattered (as a result of said toggling), anxious, blissful, blessed, fat, unhealthy, healthy (again with the toggling), overwhelmed (not always in a bad way), full, hormonal, crazy (see: hormonal), excited.
This past week was a bit rough but for the most part, I've been happy. I know! The attitude switch began months ago...I think after my shitfest summer. By the time my 30th rolled around in November, I felt like I had hit my stride. I was having fun, enjoying Austin, enjoying the friends I have here and feeling positive in general. I opened myself up to liking a boy and discovered that the nice girl was still alive. I was afraid she'd been killed off by ten (plus) years of bad choices and bad men. Lo and behold...she was still in there and aching for someone worth showing herself to.
Sadly (but not at all), Pansy McGee was not it. Things fizzled right before the winter break but there are absolutely no bad feelings. Most likely because any feelings I had were somewhat manufactured. I mean, I liked him. But I was also trying so hard to pretend he was more than he is. Nice guy. Just not mine. He'll make some young girl (with a low sex drive) very happy someday. As Nic says, he was my Starter Kit.
So 30 and 2010 are shaping up to be much, much better than last year. And bonus? Well...I'm a wee bit in love.
I know.
I am someone's girlfriend. I would say I have a boyfriend but it has been nearly nearly 10 years since I've called anyone that and it does not roll off my tongue easily. Or my fingers. Whatever. Shit is weird for me to say. And is it just me or does it make me sound approximately 15 years old? Each time he introduces me as his girlfriend, I look around for this "girlfriend" person until I realize he's talking about me.
Anyhoo, it's good. He makes me really happy and we have fun together. Unfortunately, he's also in Cali so once again, I'm doing this long-distance ish. But it's temporary. Plus, if I actually broke all of my patterns at once, my body might go into shock. Baby steps.
On top of this major life change, I am about to transition from student to working stiff (when I get an effing job). There's a lot afoot in these parts. So I'm grateful to the three of you that still check this thing for giving me a place to come back to.

Help a girl out!

2009-12-29T08:50:00.001-08:00

A guest post of sorts...coming from brandy. She's good peeps and I can't imagine what she and her dude are going through. Please include her in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks all!
(Thanks to brookem for posting this first.)

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.
He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scrapped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, Google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already?Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

You know what I hate?

2009-12-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

I hate when you get your feelings hurt and compound it by being an irrational, emotional fucking girl. So now I can't tell how much is his fault and how much is my fault for taking it to a-whole-nother level.
I feel like I need to make a list of shit he did wrong and then a list of ways I didn't quite handle it correctly (or like a fucking adult) to sort it out. But really? That's too much work.
SO...let's just blame him, shall we?

Monthly check-in

2009-12-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

I just...I don't have anything to say! Feels like my little piece of the internet is on its way out, which makes me simultaneously sad and relieved. There's pressure to say something that is remotely interesting...and I got nothin. Well. Nothing that I feel like sharing, I suppose. I know! What happened to the days when oversharing was a daily occurrence?! Sad, isn't it.
I'm motherfucking sick and it sucks, especially with this large paper hanging over my head. Nothing makes you want to buckle down and write like a sinus headache.
I still like the boy, for anyone who's interested. "Like" and "am frustrated by" are synonymous of course. But it's going. We'll see.
Still reading The Book Thief because the internet is the devil and will not leave me alone.
Just watched Away We Go today and am head over heels for that movie. Don't you just love when you realize you're smiling in the middle of a movie? I was like that for 90% of this film. And it's so pretty.
Ummm. Yep. That's all, folks. I'll just be over here waiting for the NyQuil to kick in. Jealous?

Out of my element

2009-11-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

In case you're looking to do a bit of procrastinating while waiting for Thanksgiving...here's a fun personality quiz. Of course, I have two different elements dominating my personality because I'm nothing if not complex. Or slightly bi-polar.
My results for your entertainment. Pretty spot on.

WOOD ARCHETYPE: The Pioneer.............................. 9

FIRE ARCHETYPE: The Wizard.................................... 11

EARTH ARCHETYPE: The Peacemaker......................... 13

METAL ARCHETYPE: The Alchemist.............................. 4

WATER ARCHETYPE: The Philosopher......................... 13

Earth
Keys To Understanding Earth:
• wants to be involved and needed
• likes to be in charge but not in the limelight
• agreeable and accommodating: wants to be all things to all people
• seeks harmony and togetherness
• insists upon loyalty, security, and predictability

Typical Problems:
• worry, obsession, and self-doubt
• meddling and overprotective
• overextended and inert
• lethargy, unruly appetites, water retention, muscle tenderness
• unrealistic expectations and disappointment

A Friendly Reminder: The power of Earth comes from the capacity to link, nurture, and sustain. Earth types need to balance their devotion to relationship with solitude and self-expression, developing self-reliance as well as building community.

Water
Keys To Understanding Water:
• articulate, clever, and introspective
• self-contained and self-sufficient
• penetrating, critical, and scrutinizing
• seeks knowledge and understanding
• likes to remain hidden, enigmatic, and anonymous

Typical Problems:
• emotionally inaccessible and undemonstrative
• isolation and loneliness
• tactless, unforgiving, and suspicious
• hardening of the arteries, deterioration of teeth and gums
• backache, chilliness, loss of libido

A Friendly Reminder: The power of Water comes from the capacity to conceive, concentrate, and conserve. Water types need to offset their toughness, bluntness, and detachment with tenderness, sensitivity, and openness, risking softness and contact, exposure and attachment.

File under "Things that guys think are funny...but in fact really fucking are not."

2009-11-19T07:00:00.001-08:00

Just four days after my 30th birthday - the (28 year old) boy pulled back while kissing me, looked deep into my eyes, smiled, and said...

"You're a cougar now."

"Like dirty...wit a 'thir'..."

2009-11-18T19:09:00.001-08:00

Lots to do in the next 12 hours...so of course here I am.
Sometime in the 16 days since last I wrote, I turned 30. It's still a little strange to see that number. I've been too damn busy to put any real thought into it. I had to talk a friend in from the ledge today who is facing the switch tomorrow, but there really isn't anything to say. No, your life doesn't look like you thought it would at 30, but good news! No one's does. Unfortunately, as women we face a brand new set of pressures, especially those of us who want to become moms. It's ugly and real and you can either face it while working on becoming the best version of yourself...or you can sit on your couch in your pjs, stuffing your face with birthday cake, and talking to your cat.
Oh. Just me?
As I mentioned, I've been busy and tomorrow sees the end of the flurry of immediate deadlines I've faced lately. So tonight you can find me doing the above, avoiding this effing paper, and administering my first facial peel.

Conversations I still need to have...

2009-11-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

I have no business being on here with the amount I have to do this week.
SO. Instead of procrastination-writing, I will share a post from Stephanie Klein. She lives in Austin and I wish we would just bump into each already and become instant friends. Or at least that she wouldn't think I was crazy when I blurted that out to her...because I totally would. "OMG you're Stephanie Klein and you are an awesome writer and I have curly hair too, see? and your kids are freaking adorable and how's Phil feeling these days and can we please go get cocktails and no I'm not following you to your car, that's not what's happening at all."
Yeah. I think it would be kinda like that.

Happy Halloween, folks.

2009-10-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

This isn't really my holiday at all but I am dressing up for the first time since college so I can inject a little fun into what will be a hellish two weeks. Thankfully, the end of this hell brings my birthday and some of my favorite peeps, so I am trying to keep that in perspective while I want to cry over PowerPoint slides.
Of course instead of working, I am on the internet but I'm about to stop. For real. I swear. Maybe.
I have recently discovered the correlation between going to bed early and not wanting to stab your eyes out when the alarm goes off. I know. I'm a quick study. I've already accomplished some of the things on my list for today and got in an hour walk at the lake. Sleep. Who knew.
Now I must go accomplish the rest of my list so I can join the other slutty what-have-yous in the festivities tonight.
Boy update another time. I'm neither a full-blown testosterone case nor am I a crazy bitch...but some of his actions lately have awakened the dormant Pimp Meeks. It does not bode well for him. I just had a long talk with Christopher who, despite our now-hilarious past, knows me better than most people. I relayed the latest and he, after he stopped laughing, didn't give the boy very good odds. He knows that once I refer to a man as a pussy, it's generally downhill from there. But...fingers crossed. I still like him. He just needs a little training.
Hand me my whip.

Uncharted territory

2009-10-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

I find myself in a bit of a quandary and it's all very unfamiliar. So...I had relations with the boy. And I don't really want to talk about it. Which is clearly not my modus operandi (see: the past three years worth of posts).
It might have something to do with the fact that I am now totally confused and don't know what to do with myself. The two sides of Meeks are in an epic battle and it's wreaking havoc all up in my brain.

Side A:

The more masculine side of me caused an instant drop in interest level upon consummation. I am fairly convinced that instead of that bonding/attachment chemical women are supposed to release after sex...I release testosterone. Exhibit A - The text message I sent Nicole at 5am, immediately after he passed out...all up in my side of the bed, I might add.

There's a reason you're supposed to wait til marriage...it's known as Lower Expectations. Yeah. I said it.This early morning text is brought to you by the number "it doesn't matter one fucking bit how long you wait" and the letter "meeeeh"...paid for by the corporation of stop snoring in my fucking ear.

I mean. I know it's harsh but I do think it's some of my finest work, especially considering I was far from sober.

Side B:
After the testosterone ebbed a little (read: after I forcefully pushed him back on his side of the bed and told him to stay there), the girl side came a-ragin'. I have less experience with this side and am traumatized by the sheer craziness of it. Y'all. Chicks are CRAZY. I have talked myself down from the bad place but still...this chick in my head needs attention and reassurance and BLECH. Get a grip, bitch.

I am a lying bitch.

2009-10-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

"Avoid sleepovers" apparently translates to "drunk-text-invite-myself-over late night." I'm awesome. Yes. I spent another night with the boy. It was fun and hot and, most notably, still sexless! Of course this had nothing to do with my willpower and everything to do with my uterus having impeccable timing. But hey. No sex is no sex. Although...I'm kinda ready. I mean, I'm always READY. Hello. It's me. I've been ready. BEEN. READY. Been.
But mentally, I'm comfortable enough with him to go there. And emotionally, I trust him, which is really the key component. I haven't mixed emotions and sex in a long time - since the Married One, actually - and well, you can see how well that turned out. While I'm being honest, I'll just go ahead admit that I've never had emotions involved the first time I've slept with anyone. You read that right. It has always been sex first, emotions second...if ever. So you can imagine how positively terrifying all this is.
~~~
In other news, and in an attempt to discuss something other than him, I had a great night celebrating a friend's birthday! Which is where the drunk portion of last night's evening begins. It was a night for which I had low expectations but it ended up being super fun. Mostly because it involved karaoke. And my new go-to song is apparently "If I Could Turn Back Time." Sans crotchtacular outfit and ass tattoo, of course. But I do give it my all.

Blinded by the light

2009-10-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, for those of you who actually visit the site...I give you a new background. I have been meaning to do some remodeling because I know the white-on-black can be a bit painful to read, especially when I ramble on for multiple paragraphs. But, you know, I'm lazy and couldn't be bothered...until Jamie emailed me and was like, "Dude. For real. That shit is ridiculous." To paraphrase slightly. So I spent about 30 minutes fucking around with colors and fonts and backgrounds and realized that there is a reason I didn't go into graphic design. Or anything related to color coordinating. So TaDAAAA! Thank you pre-fab templates.
It's also quite symbolic of my new attitude...or at least my attempt at altering my attitude. Moving away from the darkness and "living in my light." This is not to say that I don't embrace my dark side...because I most certainly do. I would, however, like to spend a little less time in there and a lot more time feeling the sun on my face. Both literally and figuratively. Which is why I would like to thank the weather for sending me two beautiful days of sunshine, normal temperatures, and no humidity. My hair thanks you as well.
I had one of those perfect days yesterday - catch-up lunch with a friend and then almost 2 hours at the lake. I walked, listened to music, and sat for about 45 minutes on a bench in the sun. Watched the lake, watched the swans, watched the breeze in the trees. And got some color, which is key. Finally tore myself away, finished my walk, and drove home with the windows down - for the first time since I bought my car. Like seriously. The first day it was normal enough to put the fucking windows down. I might have also been singing "Fancy" at the top of my lungs. Maybe.
Did multiple loads of laundry, flipped my big honking mattress all by myself (almost killing the cat in the process), and spent some quality time with the boy. Movie, cuddling, slumber party...and a roundabout discussion about why I'm scared to give it up. I feel more vulnerable than I have in...um...ever. Instead of going on the offensive by putting up walls and fucking other people, which I usually do, I am embracing it and being honest with him. It's interesting. And terrifying.
And I really want to have sex with him. Like. A lot. But I'm waiting until I can't take it anymore. Which feels like right effing now but I will take a cold shower and compose myself. Ugh. How do you people do it? I think I might have to avoid the sleepovers until I'm there but we actually sleep well together, which is rare for me, and damn if it isn't nice to wake up to that warm body next to you. And the boy smell on the pillow the next day? Killer.
Fucking hell. I need to go take that cold shower right now.

Onward and Upward

2009-10-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

Now that it's official, I can share that (YAY) I was able to leave my law firm job! I will always be grateful for the experience and people because I absolutely know I will never have a firm experience like that again, what with all the nice people...but it was time for it to end. I was able to leave this job (that was slowly sucking the life out of me) because I got an amazing opportunity to work for a solo practitioner in my preferred industry. And who also happens to be effing awesome. My interview was more like an hour-long gab fest with a friend and she is lovely, down to earth and very real. Real is pretty much the #1 criteria for all people in my life...having it be someone I work for is just icing on the cake that is my life lately.
Y'all? My life is a big ole cake. I mean. Internship still rocks, new j-o is going to rock, school is...well, you know, it's school but it doesn't suck. Yet. I need to get cracking on a few things and this month might be slightly hilarious in terms of the amount of work I need to do, but still. Doesn't suck. Big bonus.
Oh, what's that? How's the boy. Well...heehee :)
Does that answer your question?
I LIKE him. I admit it. I've admitted it to him, which is a huge step for me in my quest to become more of a girl. And...you're not ready for this...
I'm not sleeping with him. (Yet.)
I. KNOW.
And DUDE. That shit is WORKING. I had no idea what you bitches were talking about but damn. It's also nice because I'm not doing it as a game. I truly do want to take my time. Because, again, I like him. What? Who knew!
I mean, if all of a sudden I were to realize it's not going anywhere but bootycall land, I would absolutely hop right on the dick...but for now, it is progressing and I am moving slow. Beyond this, I am surprised pretty much every day at how much he is NOT annoying me. Things that would generally annoy me to no end are...well, let's be honest, they're still fucking annoying but I'm letting it slide. Partially because I have my own shit going on and am not worried about it. But I also think this is something akin to what guys must go through while they are waiting for us (ok other girls) to give it up. Guys shake off the annoying shit girls do on the regular in anticipation of the pussy. Which is why girls get exponentially more irritating after they sleep with guys - both in reality and in guys' perception. They don't have to put up with shit just to get the drawers anymore.
Hopefully, when sex happens eventually, it won't "shatter the glass" and I'll still be patient with the annoying shit, as is the opposite of my nature. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the anticipation and attention.

Still neglecting...

2009-10-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

I mean really. I could just copy and paste the post below, with a little Post-NOLA update.

I had a blast, kept it together for the most part, did not eff up things with the boy, solidified my place in hell...and decided it'll be more fun there anyway.

I even purchased a totally cheesy ass piece of art off the street like the cheesy ass tourist I was on my last day.

But it makes me happy and will always bring back the memories - most of which are completely hilarious. Like my friend deciding she was mad at this guy she's NOT dating in any way...and crying in the middle of Bourbon Street. Y'all. It was hilarious and we have laughed about it almost every day since. Total drunk chick psycho moment. Of course, only hilarious because he wasn't there to witness the crazy. We've all had them. My favorite occurred on Cinco de Mayo, crying into my margarita while sitting at the bar...next to the boy I was crying over. What? I'm pretty.

~~~

This past week was probably one of the best of my life. I went to three (count 'em THREE) tapings of a live music show with artists I have dreamt about seeing for years and artists that reminded me how much I love to hear new music. Them Crooked Vultures rocked my FACE. OFF. on Wednesday night - seriously check out the members of the band. Ridiculous. Just one night later, I was introduced to the music of K'Naan and fell in love. His soft-spoken comments in between songs should have had me weeping - one song, Fatima (written about his childhood friend who was shot) has been in my head ever since - but he approaches the sometimes-horrific subject matter with such positivity, I found myself smiling the entire hour instead. Smiling and crying. But smiling. When his hour was up, presto-chango the set and here comes...Mos Def. I mean. YES. I'd been waiting for this show since I'd heard about it in August and he did not disappoint. At one point, enough people had left so I could move up and I stood not 10 feet from him. We made eye contact. I was dancing. It was effing awesome. Highlight of his show might have been his cover of "Billie Jean." You heard me. The whole room was singing along while he danced and paid tribute.

And finally? Saturday night...Pearl Jam.

I'm not even bothering to link to anything - you know who the fuck they are. Pearl. Jam. I was seriously 13 all over again - loving their new material and getting a bit too excited when they played...She lies and says she's in love with him/Can't find a better man...Dude. They are such excellent musicians and Eddie was just so real and funny and amazing, I was in awe. Brought out Ben Harper to play on a song and I almost lost my undies then and there. How 'bout we make a Meeks sandwich, boys? Yumtastic.

Between the stories about his daughter, playing an extra hour beyond what was originally planned, and re-starting a song three times because it didn't sound right to him ("Does it sound alright to you guys?" Uh...yes, you're Eddie Vedder. Play the kazoo for all we care. "Well, I guess that's what matters...but I want to enjoy it too, you know?"), I was in heaven. Most amazing moment of the evening came when he introduced the 40 or so wounded Iraqi war vets they'd personally invited to the show. These boys were so YOUNG. And were all missing appendages. Young, young boys...missing arms, legs. After one song, EV rounded up all of the guitar picks, drumsticks, and whatever else he could find...turned to them and said, with a wicked grin - "You know, I've seen these on Ebay. They usually go for an arm and a leg." It was hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. Dudes started removing their prosthetics and waving them in the air. Eddie went over to them, handed out this memorabilia - and then began to sign all of their replacement arms and legs. It was intense.

So even though I'm up in the middle of the night working on a project I can't fucking stand...I'm doing fantastic.

Neglect

2009-09-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

The blog. Myself. Schoolwork. Proper sleep patterns.
Seems to be the general theme. I plan on working on this in the coming weeks. We've commenced the countdown to 30 and I would like to be on an upswing in terms of caring for myself when the time comes.
Despite this general theme, I actually feel as though I am on the upswing! Which is positive. If I could just get my ass to the gym, I think the rest of it will take care of itself. Seriously. The gym is right up the street. It's open 24 hours. I am ridiculous.
Of course...all this self-care will have to wait until I get back from NEW ORLEANS! Whaaaat! You heard me. I can't believe I have never been (seriously, how did I go to college in Florida and never make it to effing NOLA? Blasphemy.)
I am going for "career" purposes, which means I will spend approximately three hours of the three days I am there pretending to give a shit, with the rest of the time devoted to discovering a new city...and trying not to make a complete ass of myself. Helloooo famous last words! But for real. Operation Keep It Together is in full effect. This involves eating large meals before drinking (which shouldn't be a problem - I'm pretty good at that) and not hitting on the abundance of educated black men that will be in attendance. At least not in front of the boy I just kissed. Bad form.
Yes, he will be there. Yes, I like him. And yes...I am fully grinning like a jackass right now. Sigh.

I kissed a boy and I liked it...

2009-09-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

And now I'm being an effing GIRL.
I can't stand this shit.

Weekend recap

2009-09-08T10:59:00.001-07:00

Back to the grind after a fantastic long weekend with the fam.
My mom and I got up every morning, went for a long walk, and then went swimming. The last two days, Munchkin D was there - loved spending so much time with the kid. He's amazing. I think the best thing in the world is sharing a genuine laugh with a child. He cracks me up and, despite the fact that he's a full-fledged PERSON now instead of a baby (he says my name damn near perfectly now...it's so sad), still lets me hug on him...usually if there's some tv on to distract him. Such a boy, nonstop action and chattering. Love it.
The temps have reached levels that humans are able to withstand...meaning 98 instead of 108...so I'm looking forward to getting outside more and walking the lake before I wake up one morning to snow. Seriously. That's how it is here. One day it's summer...the next day it's fucking 30 degrees.
It was a perfect weekend, full of football-watching with my dad, sangria/cooking with my mom, time with J and the munchkin. I didn't sleep nearly as much as I'd planned, mostly because I didn't want to waste time I could be spending with Munchkin D - and the kid wakes up, ready to go at 6. Oy.
Got back last night in time for dinner with RN (I just realized this makes you sound like a Registered Nurse...can we come up with a fun name for you? Let's work on that.), her cousin and friend. Excellent company, SUCH good food (Shrimp Diablo? Yes please.), and the perfect cap to a great weekend. Last night I actually managed to be in bed by 10, which felt amazing. Must remember that.
Now, I'm back at the internship, headed to class, and loving the fact that this is a 3-day week for me.
Hope you all had lovely weekends as well!

Cougar watch

2009-09-03T22:19:00.001-07:00

I'm officially putting myself in the running to marry this kid in 2029. Watch out, bitches. I have good aging genes and I'm not afraid to use them/botox the fuck out them to marry this soon-to-be pretty, talented motherfucker.
OR. Let me meet some dude I can stand so my daughter can have a more socially accepted relationship with him. I will totally be his stepmom.
Please God, don't let him be gay. I mean...you're all thinking it.

Lucky

2009-08-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Besides it being so balls hot here I want to effing cry most of the time (we're on something like 75 consecutive days of it being over 100 degrees, and not just 1 or 2...like 107 - that shit is NOT NORMAL), I have had a great couple of weeks. My parents came down two weekends ago because my mom and I had tickets to Wicked. I'd seen it in LA with Ren four years ago and was so in love with it that I spent an insane amount of money at their merchandise table. I actually found the receipt in the program recently and am annoyed with myself. But in my defense, a $13 magnet was a totally reasonable addition to the purchase. What?! Seriously. I have problems. Anyway, my mom hadn't seen it and I was SO excited to go with her. Mostly because I've been talking her face off about it in the past year and a half since I found out it was coming to Austin.
We had the best time, as per usge. She loved it. It was awesome. So fun.
The next morning, we went to see The Time Traveler's Wife. Since I hate (HATE) when people talk about movies I haven't seen, I'll refrain from commenting. If you're really interested, email me to discuss. And if you've seen it, feel free to do the same with your observations.
Next up...the internship. Dude. DUDE. I can't even begin to describe how perfect a fit this internship is. I'm absolutely loving it. I'm being included in meetings that are interesting and might get to be part of something that would be kind of groundbreaking and awesome. Cryptic enough for you? I'm not going to divulge identifying details here when it comes to the internship and the j-o-b, which will probably be super annoying. However, I wouldn't want anything I say here to affect me elsewhere, especially where this gig is concerned. It's rad. I love it. I'm meeting people who are doing exactly what it is I want to do. And I won't jeopardize that for anything. So...cryptic it is! While I'm on the subject, I'll just put it out there now...I imagine that by the time I graduate, this here blog will be dead and gone. Well. Archived and privated. But no more. I'd love to continue writing somewhere but can't have all the stuff that I've ranted about for damn near three years (damn, has it been that long) out there while I'm trying to be all legal and professional. Sad day for me. But necessary.
Well...that was a long digression. Anyhoo. I had big plans this weekend and ended up doing not a damn thing. Which was pretty perfect. I was exhausted and needed a day to myself. Lovely.
School starts this week and I really can't believe summer has flown by so damn quickly. Flown by with no vacay for yours truly and with me not really accomplishing what I set out to accomplish. But hey. Life is nothing if not eventful and this summer's events kind of precluded me from focusing my energy on ME, as was the plan. Plan back in motion. This semester/year is going to be a doozie but I'm ready to kick ass and set myself up for life post-grad. I can't believe it's my last year. Whoda thunkit.
Thanks for being along for the ride!
I'll get around to posting that list soon since I need to delve into the external drive soon. Sigh. Oh and this is totally random but is anyone else having a bitch of a time with Gmail lately? I have never had problems until I had my hard drive replaced and I'm wondering if I'm missing something. It's being an asshole, which is sad since I've been pretty happy with it until now.

Return to civilization

2009-08-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Well, hi!
I just got my computer back after a terrible (but not so much) hiatus where I had to live Amish-style. If the Amish were allowed tv, cell phones, cars and electricity. You know...the bare-bones basics. It was strange not to have my computer for three days (I know - the horror!) but I must say I kind of enjoyed it. And I went to sleep earlier. Hello! It is almost 1am and I'm not doing anything that warrants the lack of sleep I'll be feeling tomorrow.
At the beginning of the summer, I'd made a "Summer Reading List" - I even put that as the title, because I'm 9 years old. I didn't make it quite as far through the list as I'd anticipated - I blame Netflix and their streaming movies/shows...what a time-suck! - but it's a nice list to have for this year also. Anyway, tonight Nic gave me the brilliant idea of posting my list here so you could watch while I cross off my books (well past the summer months), get some ideas for your own reading pleasures, and hopefully give me some suggestions! Nic's always full of rad ideas like that.
Of course, this will all have to wait since my list is currently housed on my external hard drive. Did I mention the reason I was computer-less was that my laptop's hard drive crashed? Like. Went away. Like...I couldn't even turn my f'ing computer ON. Thank GOD I had backed it up last Monday or there would have been an epic meltdown. As it stands, I lost some recently downloaded music and a document or two, but all in all - a rather uneventful loss. I'm just grateful it happened before school started back up again. Which is sooner than I'd like to acknowledge.
I'm in for a busy year, folks. Buckle up!

Again...REALLY?

2009-08-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

This morning, I started my brand spanking new internship. Love it, love the people, love the proximity to music and production. Happy morning.
I'm just settling in to my work when bzzzzzt. A text. From none other than Assface. Huh?
It's like they can smell it in the fucking air. I was literally SMILING at my desk. Doing a little happy dance in my cubicle. BAM.

We don't have to date or date ever again in order to speak occasionally. Just a hello.

Look here, you pansy ass motherfucker. A little word of advice. If you really want to reopen the lines of communication in friend land (which we all know is HORSESHIT), how about a fucking apology??? Try that on for size. Instead, you wrote some pussy ass text message (man up...pick up the phone if you want to talk) and put it all on me.
Well. Guess what. The ball is not in my court. I drop kicked that shit into the bleachers. Have at it.
~~~
Since the universe wasn't done with me, today was the first day I saw the hottie briefly referenced at the end of this post. Lord. If I were to draw my husband...he'd be pretty damn close. With the credentials and personality to match. It's a shame. Since his fucking GIRLFRIEND is moving here in a month. Has he mentioned her to me? Nope. Heard it through the grapevine. He is still in full-fledged "stroke my ego" mode. And let me tell you what...I'd stroke more than his ego. But I'm playin' it cool. In the interest of leaving my horrible karma in my twenties (and not shattering my heart into a million pieces), I am relegating this one to friend category. Of course that doesn't mean I won't dream about him tonight. Or lust after his deliciousness. Or remember how fucking soft his lips are (SHIT).
But that's all. Maybe he'll realize I'm awesome and his girlfriend sucks...because that ALWAYS happens to me. More likely, they'll be engaged in no time and I'll add him to the list of men I've longed for who walked down the aisle with another woman. But this time, at least I won't have fucked him a month before.

Morris: Not just for big orange cats

2009-08-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

How is it that I made it all the way to 2009 without seeing Working Girl?

I mean, I know why - because I wasn't allowed to see shit when I was growing up and I've had a pretty strong aversion to Melanie Griffith for a while - one that couldn't even overcome my extra-strong love of Harrison Ford. Anyway, clearly I just watched it and loved it. Even with Melanie's whispy whiny voice.

Now the actual point of this post...

I had the strongest urge to email Assface this week. (For the record, I'm NOT going to. Spare me the comments/emails/texts/voicemails where you talk me out of it. There's nothing to talk me out of. I am not a masochist. Anymore.)

It's dumb but if you've ever had a ridiculous inside joke with someone, you'll get it. A ten year inside joke. Sigh. It would be so nice if he hadn't fucked everything up.

Assface has a friend named Morris (who is so hot, I can't handle it, but that's a story for another time). The first time Assface mentioned him in conversation, I yelled "MORRIS THE BIG ORANGE CAT!!"

He thought I was crazy.

He was right but that's neither here nor there.

I probably said it every single time his name was mentioned. I almost said it to Morris's face once (I have Tourrette's. Duh.) because I was so used to saying it as one big word.

Morristhebigorangecat.

But really, who is named Morris besides large orange felines? No one, that's who. Cut to Wednesday. The lovely Chelsea posted this picture on FB (used with permission - thanks, friend!):

Really?

REALLY, CHELSEA???

I mean. Come ON. It was akin to torture (a totally appropriate and not at all insensitive reference). If I didn't have to talk to him after, I would SO send it to him!! TEN YEARS and finally I have proof that a cat is the only reasonable recipient of that name. I almost wish I had Morris's email so I could just send it directly to him. (Come to think of it, I probably do but I will not go there.) I really wish she'd posted this six months ago. Actually, if I'm wishing...I wish he weren't a child.

So there it is. Something that made me laugh out loud and miss him, simultaneously. And now it makes me smile because despite the whole missing thing...I'm doing really well, am HAPPY (who knew), and know that I don't need him in my life. Yay for strength!

15 Books (or a love letter to my mom)

2009-08-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

So there's some meme thing going around FB and since it's about books, I'm in. Except not on FB because eff those guys. Randos from highschool don't need (or care) to know about the books that have touched me.
Anyway, these are the rules...
Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that have or will stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose. (I'm not tagging 15 f'ing people - but let me know if you decide to do it so I can read what you like!)
Without further ado, here are the books that have stuck with me over the years - in no particular order. And since it took me all of three minutes to come up with the titles (sticking with just 15 was the hard part), I expanded on my selections.
(PS - I picked the titles first and then went back to write about them. Only then did I notice the overwhelming theme. Those who know me, or have been reading for a while, know this is nothing new. But I guess this is truly a testament of how my relationship with her has shaped me.)

(1) Goodnight Moon - My love of reading started early. And, surprise surprise, with my mommy. She used to read to me every night and my requests for "Bye Bye MOON!!!" were frequent. I was so effing cute.
(2) Silver - I read this book probably once a month from 5th grade through high school. I'm not even sure what it is specifically about the story, but I still love it. I still have my original copy, with the cover taped on, and the last time I read it was probably two or three years ago.
(3) Mists of Avalon - If you haven't read it, go buy it now.
(4) Gone With the Wind - I read it in 6th grade and was super proud of myself for finishing such a long book. And then I read it again in high school when I could actually understand what was going on. I should probably read it now since it's not like I knew much more at 16 than I did at 10.
(5) A Thousand Splendid Suns - This book is fresh in my mind because I finished it a few weeks ago. But heavens, can that man tell a story. I was bawling for the entire last 30 pages. It made me so grateful to live where I know nothing of war, death, and unbelievable sacrifice.
(6) Jane Eyre - I fully expected to stop reading this book after the first two chapters, like I have with most of the classics (seriously, I have tried to read Sense & Sensibility four times and I KNOW that makes me an awful person with no culture or whatever and I'm sure I'll get around to finishing it at some point but I cannot get into it) but THIS. I don't know what it was, but I fell in love with this book. I had a ridiculously cheesy moment when I finished it...I actually held it to my chest for a moment before putting it away. Like...pressed it to my bosom. I know.
(7) Animal Dreams - This might be my favorite book, if I had to choose. I've read it a million times. It's beautiful. And the heroine is tall, so clearly she is fantastic. And there are elements to her character that remind me of my mom. Of course.
(8) Beloved - I still haven't finished it (blame Netflix) but I find myself at work staring at the wall thinking about the chapter I read the night before. Took me a minute to adjust to Toni's dense writing but it's the kind of book that wraps itself around you. I find myself having physical reactions while reading, mostly anxiety. Compelling.
(9) Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood - I refused to finish this book. Not in the Sense & Sensibility way. But in the I don't want this book to EVER END way. When I got to the last chapter, I put it down for a full two weeks so it wouldn't have to be over. And that just made me sound like Joey when he puts The Shining/Little Women in the freezer (always quick with a Friends reference!). Anyway, great story. The movie was cute but didn't do the book justice, as is usually the case.
(10) The BFG - Again, a book my mom read to me probably 15 times. It's brilliant and I love it. And in the interest of full disclosure (read: embarrassing myself and alienating people), a few years ago I was super depressed and asked my mom to read me one of my favorite chapters. Yes, I know that makes me sound weird but I really don't care. Weird schmeird. That shit worked.
(11) The Time Traveler’s Wife - Sigh. This book. I just...I can't even. My roommate in Milan loaned it to me and I stayed home from class three days straight (who am I kidding, I went to about six classes the entire time I was there). I love love love this book. I bought it when I got back so my mom could read it. She refuses to give it back. We're about to fight. Oh and speaking of this book...today, I saw an ad online for the movie and burst into tears at my desk. Not a trailer. Or a commercial. A still picture. Of Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana. With the title. And started CRYING. Of course, I cried three other times at work today but still.
(12) Me Talk Pretty One Day - Oh David Sedaris. I've mentioned before that I was in Florence on 9.11.01, with my mom (sensing a pattern, are we?) - we spent the rest of the day in our room where we had one English channel to tell us what the eff was going on. We finally turned it off but then didn't really feel like walking around so decided to hang out and read. I started this book that day and within five minutes was crying laughing. I tried to read my mom several passages, but was laughing too hard to get through them. So we passed the book back and forth, laughing on a day we didn't think it was possible. I am truly grateful for this book and that laughter. I still laugh every time I hear the word "bottleneck."
(13) Green Darkness - Well. This is just getting ridiculous. It's one of my mom's favorite books. So of course it's one of mine too. One of those books it's very easy to find yourself lost in - it's different from anything else I've read.
(14) Good in Bed - I still remember buying this book. I was at the Barnes & Noble in the Westside Pavillion. I bought probably five books that day and this is the only one I remember. And it began my love affair with Jennifer Weiner. She is seriously rad.
(15) Anne of Green Gables - Oh, Anne. With an e. I have the whole series, from Anne all the way to Rilla of Ingleside. And I still remember the last line of the last book. "Yeth." These books shaped my childhood and the PBS miniseries with Megan Follows literally makes me swoon. And YES, I read the whole series with my mom and her name is Anne, with an e. What of it.

Oops.

2009-08-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

That whole keeping it together thing I mentioned below re. this weekend?
F to the AIL.
I currently have not one, but TWO skinned knees and a bruised palm. Skinned is putting it mildly. I fucked my knees UP, y'all. How you may ask? What was I doing on a Friday night that left me currently looking like a fucking 6-year-old that fell off her bike?
Oh nothing, really. Just eating shit in the middle of the street downtown at 3am. While hauling ass to the pizza truck. Clearly it was my feet's way of trying to save me from myself and my drunken gluttony. I wouldn't be stopped though. I got my pizza and ate it while sitting on a ledge with blood running down my legs. Before almost getting in a fight with a 21 year old douchebag. Because I wouldn't be me unless I got completely agro with a stranger for no reason. My friend was making out with his friend and has since dubbed me the worst wingman ever. Whoopsies!
Said friend then tended to my wounds in her apartment, pouring alcohol on my knees while I cried on her couch. Like. For real. Tears. I told you. Fucked my shit up GOOD. I actually had a take a Vicodin last night because the throbbing was keeping me awake. Dude. I got mad skillz.
Anyway.
I went from acting like a child to feeling grown up in less than 24 hours. Last night was simply fabulous. RN's girlfriends all got together for dinner to celebrate her birthday and end of the bar exam. And because RN is such an amazing woman, she has managed to accumulate some amazing friends. It was five hours of wine, great food, hilarious conversation, live music, laughter and so much love. I was truly grateful to be a part of it. Even if I did have to accessorize my pretty purple dress with multiple bandaids.

O. M. G.

2009-07-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, I may be taking it a little far with the wedding videos but these are pretty f'ing great.

This is one of my all time fave songs - the timing is appropriate I suppose, even though this vid is two years old. It's pretty damn hilarious. Skip to about a minute in.

And another one...Big dude is KILLIN it. Skip to circa 1:30.

~~~

Well. Enough of that. I really have nothing else to say. It's dipped below 110 degrees this week so I've been taking advantage of it and walking at the lake. Does wonders for the soul and I only had to dump a bottle of water on my head once. It was 107 on Monday. Ouch. Aaaand. Yeah. That's all I got. I have actual social events planned this weekend. Two whole evenings with people! Shocking, I know. I will do my best to return with stories but will be working to keep my excitement at being outside during evening hours to a minimum. I must maintain the appearance of someone who has fun on a regular basis.

Luv Bunnyyyyyyyy!!!!

2009-07-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Ko-Diggity!

Today, BFF turns 30. "Like dirty...wit a thir!"
Love you, my friend. Thank you for 30 (freaking) years of sisterhood.

I's yo baby!

Party over here

2009-07-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

I had a 3-day weekend and somehow, it still wasn't enough. Could be because I wasn't productive until about three hours ago. But still. I could use another day to myself. And I'm pretty sure I was supposed to do some work-from-home action and did nothing of the kind.
Whoopsies.
Instead, I watched Seasons 3&4 of The Office. And started watching 30 Rock. Um. That is my new shit. In case it wasn't clear, I'm never on top of shows when they actually start. I prefer to wait a few years, then watch every episode at once. So yeah, this weekend I have watched a ridiculous amount of tv online.
Totally productive, clearly. I guess I should enjoy my downtime now. Lord knows I only have another couple of weeks before shit gets crazy. However, I also feel like I have to be productive in terms of cleaning up my place and getting organized BEFORE the crazy hits.
I need a personal assistant to run errands. And clean my bathroom. And take out my trash. And purge my closet of all the crap I don't wear.
I will pay in hugs!

Amazing

2009-07-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

I am OBSESSED with this video. When I get married...be prepared to boogie, people.

Totally throwing off the one-a-year trend!

2009-07-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

In a fog today. Why, you may ask? Well. Let's see.
I was awakened from a dead sleep at 2:40am by loud scratching sounds coming from the living room. Followed by scampering. Ready to release kitterton into the wild, I turn on my light and she comes in screaming bloody murder. So I walk into the hallway and Crazy runs over to the vacuum cleaner (which of course is still sitting in my hallway - I think it's an excellent place for it). Meowing at the vacuum, she is desperately trying to get under it. Walking all over it, looking under it, sticking her paws under it.
Great. I can only hope it's another gecko (just realized I haven't told that story - it involved a COMPLETELY topless me trying to rescue a baby gecko first thing in the morning from the feline. Baby gecko shed its still-twitching tail, which distracted nutso long enough for me to scoop it up, open my front door and throw it out...all the while praying my neighbor didn't open his door in time to see the twins swingin' in the breeze.)
Anyway. Back to last night...praying it's a gecko.
Please be a gecko. Please be a geck-oh wait. What is that I spy? Two enormous roach legs that she obviously ripped off the creature before it found safety under my vacuum. Ew. Ew ew ew. I just. I can't.
Springing into action...I stare at the vacuum for about ten minutes. I tell Crazy to stand guard (she completely understands of course) and go get Raid and a tennis shoe. And then stare at the vacuum for another 5 minutes. At least.
I am such a girl.
While Crazy is busy eating the two roach legs she managed to snag (vom), I get the brilliant idea to smoke the roach out from under the vacuum so she can pounce and then deliver it to me like a good little hunter. I then tell her to "stay on that side and get ready!" Out loud. After explaining my foolproof plan to a fucking cat in the middle of the goshdamn night, I blast the vacuum with Raid, spraying under and all around three sides, hoping it will go out the last side. Definitely sterilized myself and caused the cat irreparable harm in the process. No dice. Stupid thing will not come out.
More staring on my part.
Finally, I talk myself off the ledge and move the vacuum. Nothing comes out.
I decide it's definitely snuck past me and is now waiting in my bed. I pick the whole vacuum up and there it is. Huge. And dead. Very dead. So I of course yelp and smash it with my shoe. Twice. Just in case.
Half a roll of paper towels and two plastic bags later, I am finally ready to get back in bed. At 3:30. But every time I close my eyes, I see fucking roaches against my eyelids. I have no idea what time I fell asleep.
Just when I begin to entertain the idea of living in Austin...the universe reminds me why I miss Cali so much. I do not understand large bugs in a clean household. What is your problem?!
And then!
Austin pulls a fast one this morning and I get an email sent out to the office:
There’s a pecan pie in the kitchen – courtesy of [professional magazine]. Dig in!
I mean really...emails about pecan pie at 10am?
I'm on to you, Texas.

My relaxing weekend

2009-07-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

Yanno? Can I get a minute.
Thursday I got one of those awesome below-the-surface enormous hormonal pimple things that no one can see but causes a great deal of pain. Usually I get them on my chin but this bad boy sprouted on the side of the bridge of my nose. About 1/8 of an inch from my left eye. Whatev, I figured it would either go down in size in a couple days or erupt in a mortifying Vesuvian shower. (Sorry, that was gross.) But at least it was almost the weekend so I could hide my face at home. Dr. Mommy was concerned about the location because the face has the same blood supply as the brain and blahblahblah. I was the kid who didn't hear horror stories about kidnappers. I heard horror stories about the guy who popped a zit and died from a brain infection. No really. I'm not even kidding.
Friday morning, it was bigger and more painful but that's a good sign right? It means it's heading towards the surface. No biggie.
Cut to this morning when I wake up with my left eye swollen half shut. Um. Hmmm.
I KNEW my mom was going to flip so I of course avoided calling her until late this afternoon. Because I'm an avoider. It's what I do.
I finally called and nonchalantly mentioned that my eye was swollen and how's your day going mom? Thus began my lovely Saturday afternoon. She made me call the nurse hotline at the student health center and the nurse didn't help the anxiety by telling me I needed to be seen within 24 hours, today if possible. And reiterated four times in our 2 minute conversation how concerned she was. FINE you big medical worrywarts. The after-hours clinic couldn't get me in until tomorrow morning, which was completely unsatisfactory to my mom. Of course. So she called in a prescription and made me go pick them up. And take one immediately. And get in two more doses by the time I go to bed.
Which leads to this...what the fuck was I thinking going to f'ing law and business school when what I should have done is gone to med school! When I think back on how much money my parents must have saved having a freaking doctor in the house, med school paid for itself. I grew up taking deep breaths with a stethoscope to my back and saying AAAHHHH...in my parents' bathroom. Of course I had a pediatrician and went to all my regular checkups like normal kids. But all that other stuff you have to go to the doctor for? All I had to do was whine to my mom. Ear infection? She'd break out the light-thingy, look at my eardrums, and go pick up some antibiotics. AND it came with a side of mommy hugs!
Dude. I need to get crackin' and have kids now because I sure as shit am not paying somebody when my mom will do all that for a hug. She's the best.

The upswing

2009-07-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

The summer (and by extension, the year) is turning around. Yay. Last week, I got an amazing opportunity and will start an internship in August that just might be perfect for me. I'm beyond excited. I'll be able to use both of my degree areas AND spend time with my first love. Music. I really can't express how f'ing exciting this is. Life. Changing.
Because of this...my year just got a hell of a lot busier: classes, internship, and job. Should be interesting and I'm seriously looking forward to it.
I am also loving my "new" car and can't help but be proud of myself. I went by myself (HUGE), picked out the car, test drove it, signed the papers and will soon receive a pink slip with just my name on it. Big moment.
My dad is doing really well and getting stronger every day. He has also expressed a great deal of pride in his youngest daughter lately, which is always welcome. Our relationship was a little rocky there at the end of my teen years and beginning of my 20s - it is nice to have him be so consistently proud of me. I'm finally able to admit that his approval means a lot to me. It's nice to have it. Now if I'd just get married and pop out 6 grandkids in the next three years, I'd make his whole life. (Seriously, he has his fingers crossed that I have twins.) Fat chance, pops.
I'm being remarkably responsible lately with my budget (a surprise car payment while working part-time tends to have that effect on a person), which may or may not be a product of me having no goshdamn friends in this town. (It is time for the bar to be over so I can have my RN back - I miss you!!) But honestly? I'm chillin. It's too damn hot to do anything anyway. So kitterton and I have been spending lots of quality time together, watching Alias (I've watched four seasons so far - one more to go) and plowing through my summer reading list.
In the past month, I've finished Naked, Memoirs of a Geisha (finally, it only took me a decade to take it off the damn shelf), A Thousand Splendid Suns (phenomenal), and Running with Scissors. Currently wading through Beloved and laughing at Bitter is the New Black, of which I read 136 pages last night. On the nightstand queue: The Book Thief and Water for Elephants.
And now for our annual installment of f'ing wild kingdom:
Tonight, kitterton managed to earn her keep for another year when she suddenly leaped off of the ottoman and darted toward my feet. Knowing that is never a good sign, I picked my feet up and looked down...just in time to see it scurrying under the couch. Fucking Texas. I tried to hold back a scream as she chased it under the large chair. I thought she had it trapped under the chair so I got my tennis shoe and prepared to lift the f'ing chair while throwing things and crying. Instead, she runs over to me. I'm pissed because I want her to keep it cornered and update me at all times as to its whereabouts. I start to yell at her to go get it (because she understands, duh) when all of a sudden she crouches down and drops something at my feet. This time I cannot hold back the girly scream and I swing wildly at the limping roach as it desperately tries to escape. YES. You's a dead mufucka!
I then fed my good little rotund hunter so she wouldn't eat the f'ing disgusting beast while I gathered half a roll of paper towels to pick it up with. Which I then put in a bag. Which I put in the trash. Which I then tied shut. And you can be sure I'll be scared to pick up the bag and take it down in the morning.
Blech.
But that cat has seriously paid for herself in her pest control. Picked it up. In her mouth. And then put it at my feet. Bless.
However, she is fully banned from sticking her face anywhere near mine for at least a month.

Wait wait wait.

2009-07-10T19:13:00.001-07:00

So, I blow through commercials (bless Tivo) but finally stopped to watch a Melrose Place ad in much the same manner one pauses on the freeway to see if they can spot something horrific in the wreckage.
First of all...don't even get me started on the BLASPHEMY! 9-0 kills me. It's just awful. I can pretty much separate it though because it's just that terrible. We'll always have the Spring Dance, Dylan!
But. Back to the Melrose commercial.
Did I spot the ever-scheming eyes of one MICHAEL MANCINI???? Dude. They might have gotten me with that one. Can't they just bring back the old characters and eff the Ashlees of the cast? I totally want to know what Amanda and Peter have been up to since they ran off to that island after faking their deaths.
However, I really would like to know how they are going to explain the return of Sydney. That bitch died. On her wedding day. I saw her. The explanation better be fan-fucking-tastic. It can't be because Laura hasn't had a gig in 10 years.
And let me tell you what. Craig is gonna be PISSED when he finds out she's alive. Since he blew his brains out over it.
This is gonna be a disaster. Aaron Spelling must be rolling over in his grave.
Of course I'll be watching. But I will remain forever true to the O.G. Melrose.
Thank GOD for SoapNet.

2009-07-10T17:36:00.001-07:00

Testing. Testing. Mobile blogging?? I fear this may replace drunk texting.

I shoulda been a dude

2009-07-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have anything interesting to share, I figured I'd expand on the post below with a little backstory on this particular male friend. He is someone I knew as more of an acquaintance but we'd never hung out. Since Facebook tells all, and he posts music videos/links on the reg, I quickly learned that he has fantastic taste in music. We bonded over Stone Temple Pilots (it is rare to find a black man who knows who they are, much less geeks out about how awesome the album "Core" is) and discussed going to catch some live shows. I was excited that I'd made a new friend. Or so I thought.
This past Valentine's Day, we started emailing on FB and finally exchanged numbers so we could just talk like normal people. I may or may not have had some wine. And by "may or may not," I mean definitely. And by "some," I mean it was Valentine's Day and I'm single. Do the math.
(Um. That was awesome. Blogger just published the blog as is without consulting me first. That was nice of it.)
Anyhoo, we get on the phone, gab for about two hours. I am loving him over the phone. And then he tells me that he wants to be my boyfriend. And that he'd stared at me all through the class we had together.
Oh.
At this point, I'm pretty f'ing drunk and am loving the attention (like I said, it was V-day...gimme a break). I may or may not have played into it (see above) and agreed to hang out the next day. When I woke up the next morning, I was annoyed with myself. I know I'm not attracted to him. But then I figured, my attraction radar has gotten me where I am today. Why not see where this takes us? I could do a lot worse. He is a genuinely nice guy, has a future, tells me I'm gorgeous, and is not fucking married. I mean, for my standards, this dude is batting .1000.
So, we agree to watch a movie at his place. On the way there, I call BFF and vent away my nervousness. I told her that I don't think I like him, but if I feel like I can kiss him, I'll give it a shot.
He opens the door. And I know. Instantly.
I am SO NOT attracted to him. I'm just not. At. All.
Like. Can't even bring myself to THINK about kissing him.
Sigh.
The entire time we're watching the movie, I am aware that he is looking at me. He cuddles up, tells me I'm gorgeous (which, let's face it - never gets old), and I cannot even look at him. Can't. The movie ends and I feel trapped. Luckily I'd come with an out all planned. I wore workout gear and said I wanted to get to the lake before it got dark. He asked if we could hang out later. I said maybe, I have a lot to do.
And then I ignored him for a month.
Oh but I get even more awesome!
About two weeks ago, I was bored and lonely (a combination which leads to EXCELLENT decisions). So what did I do? I called him. Yup. Again, there was wine involved which completes the hat trick of assholeness. We talked. I played into it. I agreed to go on one date with him that week. And then? Oh then. Friends...
I accidentally had phone sex with him.
*hands covering face, peering out at you between my fingers*
I know. I KNOW!! I'm SUCH an asshole!! I am so attracted to him over the phone! It's a nightmare. So. Yeah. I had phone sex with him. Agreed to a date. But wait! In an unprecedented move of assholery, I broke off the date. How, you ask? Did you man up and call him? No. I waited until the day before and emailed him.
E. Mail. Ed. Him.
With some bullshit excuse about having to go out of town. And then promptly barricaded myself inside my place so I didn't risk running into him.
Go ahead.
Throw stuff.
I deserve it.

No coupons for you

2009-06-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

Um.
A male friend of mine (no really, I haven't slept with him) sent me this video.
Is he trying to tell me something?

Grateful

2009-06-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

In case you all weren't already aware of her brilliance, I just had to share the wisdom of Nicole. In response to a long rant about my myriad issues, she wrote the following:

Don't spend all of your time looking back into the darkness, when you can turn yourself around and go live in your light.

Um. Hello, Nicolai Lama. Deep ish, right? I'm stapling it to my forehead. I am ready to live in my light. Who's with me! She also charged me the task of acknowledging something every day that I'm grateful for. So...
I'm grateful for Nic. The value of her friendship defies description.
When I was in Cali, I only spent about 24 hours up in LA, for her birthday party and the hangover that resulted (in case you're wondering, they tell you not to drink when you have a concussion for a reason...ouch). And in those 24 hours with Nic, I laughed the kind of uncontrollable wheezing laugh that leaves you gasping for air with tears running down your face. I cannot remember the last time I laughed like that, and I certainly didn't laugh like that during the other days of my trip. Not that hospitals aren't hysterical. But sitting in her car the day after the party, in the parking lot behind the venue, after we'd brilliantly locked ourselves out in a matter of minutes, laughing at ourselves...that was quite simply exactly what I needed. It was the kind of release that comes with a good cry, but so much better.
I am grateful for my beautiful, hi-larious friend who ended up giving ME the gift during her birthday celebration. Fun. Laughter. So much love. With an early-90s soundtrack.
"Now THAT'S what I call a birthday!"

Monthly Update

2009-06-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

As with celebrity death (I'm in mourning and cannot talk about it), the rest of life's shit comes in three's as well.
1 - Greema, my 92 year old grandmother and her stint in the hospital
2 - My daddy had an f'ing surprise quadruple bypass a few days before I was to head to LA. What started as a routine cardio exam turned into a next-day triple-bypass, which then got upgraded when they found yet another blockage.
Then the day he got out of the hospital (the day before I left)...
3 - I got into an f'ing accident, which came with a side of concussion and totaled car (that I had paid off four years ago).

I have spent too much time and energy dealing with this stream of awesomeness. So let's just blow through it...Greema is doing great, for being 92. I spent a great day with her while I was in Cali and, while she doesn't remember it, we had a wonderful time.
My daddy is recovering well. It was scary as shit and even though spending three days in the hospital with him (minor setback that put him back in but all worked out) wasn't quite the vacay I had planned, I am so grateful that I was there with my family. And extra glad that I was able to be there for my mom - I mean really, the woman could use a break.
And finally, I am fine. In short, I was hit on the drivers' side and got my ass kicked by the airbag. Three weeks later and I STILL have a bump on my head (although it is considerably smaller than the softball I had sticking out of my hair the first day) and it still hurts to wash my hair. But I am fine. I walked away and it could have been much worse. My car is a goner and I got a "new" car this past weekend. I hate my insurance but things work out. Even if they're in a much suckier way than you had planned (read: car payments where there used to be none). I am still a VERY lucky broad.

After all the shit that has happened this year, yesterday made all of that worth it. After much planning and planting of seeds, my father and his formerly-former best friend reunited after a decade-long hiatus. These years that they haven't spoken have been painful for our families, since we were so accustomed to spending time together. Oh and did I mention that this best friend is my BFF's father? Yeah. It's been fun for us. The beauty of it all is that we never once let this fight affect our friendship. Not once. We never discussed the nature of the fight, even though I'm sure we both got earfuls from our dads. We just kept loving each other and praying that someday, they'd stop being the stubborn men they are. And yesterday, it paid off. I only wish I had been there for the reunion but am so glad that my mommy and BFF were. Especially since they had cameras. BFF sent me a video of them walking ahead of her with their arms around each other and I have probably watched it 14 times already. I gushed tears of happiness all day yesterday and am dangerously close to doing so right now. My world makes sense again!

Ch-ch-changes

2009-06-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. Totally MIA, huh?
Hellooooo!
Lots going on. Don't really feel like talkin about it. So. Yeah. Should make for a fascinating post.
The j-o-bizzle is going well. Learning a lot and am so completely lucky to have a great supervisor who takes the time to re-teach me shit I've forgotten in the last two years. Legal writing for dummies! That's me.
Um.
I'm going home for the first time in almost a year. Can't wait to see my peeps and the ocean. Wish I had more time but have to take what I can get. Making money is the top priority this summer. Saving it is necessary. Suze Orman would have plenty to say about the amount of debt I'll be in by the time I graduate. Adding to it isn't helping anyone.
Time to stop being a living-in-the-moment jackass! Yay for growing up.

More prayers

2009-05-29T13:54:00.001-07:00

Everyone please gather up all of your prayers and throw em my way. Life keeps throwing my fam curve balls and we need to hit this fucker out of the park. So pray. Think good thoughts. And I'll tell you why when I'm good and ready.
Thanks friends

Cheers Muthafuckaaaaa!!!

2009-05-18T14:42:00.001-07:00

I am done. For the first time in three years, I will not set foot inside a fucking classroom until August. Taking the summer off from classes was my best decision yet. I am SO HAPPY. And it is a beautiful day in Austin, which makes it that much better. I am starting to love this city (talk to me in mid-July when I find a roach and can't walk outside without looking like Chris Farley in a sauna) and today was perfect.
Well, besides the whole taking a final this morning. Big fat FAIL but I don't give a FUCK, bitches. I rolled out of there (early, I just gave up) and set about starting my summer off properly.

Wax?
Check.

Pedicure?
Check.

Glass o' wine?
Check.
Aaaand check again in about three minutes.

I'm headed out for a banquet with my peeps that are actually graduating this year (sad) and then I am passing the eff out. I got about three hours sleep total in the past three days. I'm looking EXTRA pretty right now.
Tomorrow, an all day party barge on the lake where I'm sure I'll make an ass out of myself. Because it's summer. And that's what summer is for!!

Things that make you go WHAAA??!

2009-05-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

I never went into the final Assface debacle, mostly because it's kind of embarrassing to admit that the man you have spent almost 10 years of your life thinking would end up your husband...hit on your friend via Facebook.
Yeah.
Pretty fucking mortifying actually.
That's what it took to finally make me see that he will never grow up. Can't really ignore it when it slaps you across the face like that. I wrote him a final email, which I think was pretty hilarious, and then deleted his number (even though I know it by heart and probably will forever). It took me a couple of weeks to get over the habit of it - it left a large hole. He was a significant part of my life and I spent hours upon hours communicating with him. But I broke the habit and since then I have been having fun, haven't been sad at all (which surprised me) and got to the point where I didn't miss him at all. I went days reaching for the phone to text him something random and then days without thinking of him at all.
So can you guess what happened? Of course you can. Because all girls have experienced this shit. Abby did a fabulous post on this phenomenon just a couple of weeks ago and even gave it a name: The Boomerang Effect. I love this. Every man who has left my life for one reason or another always surfaces around the 6 month mark. It only took a three months this time.
Yesterday, on my way to a night out with friends (yes, I'm still going out and making awesome decisions even with my last final on Monday), I was driving and talking with my girlfriend. We were laughing and I was truly happy. Bzzzzzz. Text message.

As I board a flight to the Mid East for work, I'm having a moment of clarity. Like to say that I'm not as dumb as my acts seemed. Just angry & childish. Take care.

Go ahead and read that again. Then make the face I did.

Not exactly sure what I did to make him angry - I'm sure it has something to do with having male friends on FB or something equally offensive. But at least I can rest assured that I am not spending my life with a man who handles anger this way. You can't see me. Imagine if I did something to warrant actual anger. What's he gonna do...fuck my sister?
Ninja, please. I invented vengeance sex.

You're welcome

2009-05-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Why Women Hate Men - The Blog
"Actual internet personal ads posted on public dating boards by men who have absolutely no clue how to attract a woman. With immature, inappropriate commentary that is completely satirical in nature."

And this guy didn't stop there.

Psychotic Letters from Men

I really wish I'd hung on to that email from Mr. Attentions detailing why he went back to his ex...something about "she thought she pregnant" but that I was amazing. Seriously. I have to have it somewhere, don't I?

Is it over yet?

2009-05-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Are finals over. Because I'm losing my damn mind.
And is anyone else watching Brothers & Sisters because I'm gonna kick Kitty's ass. Pull it together, Ally McBeal. F'real.
But that's completely besides the point.
I have absolutely nothing to say, because I am nothing but boring. Well, you know, besides the fact that I went out on Thursday (because that's what you DO in the middle of finals...duh), made out with someone else's boyfriend, and subsequently spent the next two days that I should have spent studying, recovering. Nice to know that I'm barreling toward my 30s making the same awesome choices but now with an extra day built into my hangover! Woooo!!!!

8 days and I'm free from school for the whole damn summer. Booya.

Parental Units

2009-05-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know exactly what is going on but I am much less tolerant of my parents since returning from Italy. I was discussing it with my friend who just returned from a semester in Costa Rica (awesome, right?) and she was going through the same thing. After being independent and learning so much about yourself, returning to your life where everything is still the same is strange. And sometimes extremely frustrating. Apparently, this extends to my relationship with my parents. I am very much the baby, and my mom is my best friend. However. I do not feel like sharing every damn detail of my life, down to where I'm going to dinner, what I had, who was there and when the hell I got home. Seriously? I'm not in high school. I'll talk to you later.

Granted, this is my fault for allowing it to continue so long and I do enjoy talking to my mom but I just feel like saying...Look. You've got it really good, here. I have friends who talk to their parents maybe monthly. I talk to you every goshdamn day. I CALL you. Multiple times! I open up to you more than I should and run things by you when I'm making decisions. I like this. I appreciate being able to talk to you. There are no two people on the planet who love me more than my parents or who have my best interests at heart. But. The constant stream of questions is completely unnecessary. I tell you a lot. When I open up, I really open up and talk your face off for an hour. So be happy and stop asking questions! Seriously. Just stop.

And then I realize that someday (in the far off pretend future), I'm going to wish they were around to ask me fourteen unnecessary questions in a row, followed by unsolicited advice. So I'm reigning in my frustration and increasing my patience...because I am SO lucky they care enough to ask.

Legally Brown

2009-05-01T17:53:00.001-07:00

First real day of work and MAN do I miss doing useful things during the day. It felt good to contribute and earn some much-needed money. Applying the law is much more interesting than learning about it. Guess I'll give this whole lawyer thing a chance.
In completely unrelated news, I will never actually get to be a lawyer unless I stop EFFING AROUND and get down to business. Studying sucks. I've gone through three straight years, including summers, and have reached my limit. Burned the fuck out. Three more weeks to get through and then a much needed break from this school bullshit. Finally.
Looking forward to this next year as I'm taking the minimum (possibly less) number of credits needed to qualify as "enrolled," working, and enjoying this city. Awesome.

Shoulda been a stripper...

2009-04-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

instead of going to grad school.
Why, you ask? Well, I answer, if one more dumb bitch (former stripper) snags a good-on-paper man, I'm rioting. My friends and I have discussed this at length. The number of educated, good-looking, gainfully employed men (particularly black men but don't get me started) who end up with some girl who doesn't have a thought in her head is on the rise. I especially notice this now that I am about to be saddled, I mean blessed, with two post-graduate degrees. I have even had an intelligent male friend tell me that it may be too much for some men to deal with.
I'm sorry.
What exactly is so difficult about being with a woman who is intelligent? Is it the fear that I will out-talk you in every argument? To this I say, I may know I'm right, but I'm also smart enough to know when to shut the fuck up. Ask my now-single brother how important that trait is in a woman. Is it that you're threatened? Is it that I will have the potential to earn as much, if not more, than you?
My father once told me to stop wearing heels on my already 6'1" frame because "it is intimidating to men." Hm. First of all, I'm looking for 6'5" and up, so he should be covered. Secondly, if a man is not comfortable standing next to a tall woman, why the hell would I want his sorry ass anyway. Strangely enough, I have met more shorter men who feel like pimps with a taller woman at their side and are comfortable enough in their own skin to deal. However, not looking to water down the genes with a shorty so...moving on.
I feel the same way about my degrees. How can a man be so insecure as to put down a woman with a post-graduate degree? I will bring a lot to the table when I finally find someone worth sitting with. If a man can't see that my background provides the material for an even stronger foundation...then forget it. I don't need someone holding me back.
This is some scary shit, people. Pickings are slim and, at times, the outlook is grim. (Hey, I'm a poet!) Don't even get me started on the statistics on black women over 30 with post-graduate degrees. It's enough to make a halfbreed start blowing her hair straight and jump on the white man train...after changing her year of birth to 1986.

Hold me accountable

2009-04-25T20:57:00.001-07:00

Thank you for the prayers and kind words, peeps! She's doing better and hopefully will be able to go home soon. Getting old is for the birds.

So, in the interest of kicking my workouts into high gear, and keeping out of the insane heat that is about to descend, I caved...and ordered Jillian's 30 Day Shred. Which should be interesting since Jillian gives me hives when she talks but she'll be muted once I get acquainted with the workouts. So if I'm not whining on here at least once a week about how sore I am, call my ass out. Thanks.
I'm currently sore from dancing last night. On a party bus. In 60s gear. It was a fun night and completely killed all productivity today. I apparently felt that watching The Lake House on Oxygen was more important than preparing for finals. Sometimes I'm so awesome I amaze myself.

Oh my goodness. Here's a little real-time proof of my awesomeness. After typing that last sentence, I checked facebook (for no reason - WHY IS THAT SHIT SO ADDICTIVE??!!) and someone's status mentioned that tomorrow was Sunday. Why did I think today was Sunday and was seriously about to get up for class tomorrow. That would have been all kinds of hilarious.

Well. Now that I know it's Saturday night...I think I'll watch a couple more hours of TV! Rock. The fuck. On.

Prayers, please

2009-04-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

My grandmother is in the hospital and at 92, she's my last living grandparent. She's a badass woman and a fighter so I don't think she's done yet. But she could still use some prayers and good vibes. Send 'em towards Cali. Thanks folks.

Jobby Job

2009-04-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to nail down my summer plans and had a lot of anxiety about it in the past couple weeks. Compounded by the fact that the firm I interviewed with was taking its sweet time letting me know. I'd spent months planning on going back to LA this summer and sometime during this past year, realized that it would be a bit of a logistical nightmare - between finding somewhere to stay, driving to Cali in my stupid car, and the f'ing cat sitch, I apparently hadn't thought it through. The most important goal of this summer was to get some damn legal experience on my resume. I have been postponing actual work for the past two summers, opting for classes instead. Now, I'm so f'ing burnt out on school, I could cry. Which comes at an awesome time what with finals looming. ANYWAY. I began looking around Austin and was lucky enough that a friend was leaving her job and put in a good word for me.

All of that completely uninteresting babbling to say, I can finally take a deep breath. Today, I got offered a job with the above firm, part-time with a good hourly rate compared to the rest of the job postings I've seen. Yay! Now I'm debating between more classes (boo) and another part-time job to fill my time. Mostly, I want to work out, get a tan and hang with people who are leaving Austin in the fall but figure I should try to make enough money to live off of. Meh.

Things Facebook has told me

2009-04-15T22:34:00.001-07:00

1. The Bodyguard is married. Thankfully, he got married while I was in Milan and I haven't seen him since August. Therefore, I did NOT have to add another married one to my list. I did, however, get to look at his wedding photos. I mean really. If you're going to lie about being married, could you at least tell your wife to make her page and pictures private? Come on now. Step up your game, homie. Needless to say, we're speaking a lot less these days.

2. Next, the Youngin. Oh Youngin. I've talked about him before. Met him when he was the 19 year old. Now I have no idea how f'ing old he is, nor do I care much. I believe I saw him in August too (might have been as far back as March) but we shared nothing more than a few kisses and lunch in Venice. It was nice and despite his immaturity sometimes, we have fun together. We speak maybe once a month and I don't really think about him in between. Anyway, I've been convinced he married his babymama (perhaps a little gunshy on that topic) but could never find evidence. Well. I was wrong. But there was a secret he was keeping, my radar was just a little off. He and babymama welcomed daughter number two into the world a few weeks ago. Complete with new facebook photo album on her non-private page. Congratulations. Let me know where to send the gift. Not.

3. The other two were merely informational but this one actually affected me, and what I thought was my future. Assface is just that. An assface. Of course, this is news to no one. Except me. For the eleventy thousandth time, we are no longer speaking. Except this time, it is very real. I'm quite done. For years, I have been making excuses.

"When people show you who they are, believe them.”
~Maya Angelou

I finally got it. I know. I'm slow. But a girl was trying to hold out hope. Hope left and for the first time in ten years, I'm free. I never even got sad, just had to break the habit. It was an addiction, fed primarily by Sprint's free Mobile-to-Mobile, and after a few weeks cold turkey...I'm cured! Crazy.

And to repay me for my strength, the Universe sent me a hottie with a body (and a BRAIN!!! who knew) to make out with. It was her way of letting me know that what I really wanted all this time was actually out there. In the flesh.
Now, all that is left is to trap him and make him my own. But first, I must work out this greatness that is inside of me.
Bring it.

A Dubious Start

2009-04-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

It's amazing. All these months with no blogging and I've had blog topics racing through my head. Witty commentary on every day life. Fascinating observations (What. You don't know. I can be fascinating). Full blown, completely entertaining stories I would have loved to share.
I make a big to-do about my Grand Re-opening...aaaaand here I sit. Completely stumped. My head is empty. I blame the new 90210. It has sapped every ounce of intellect from my brain. Of course it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I'm totally boring these days. After a semester in Italy and two weeks in South Africa, going to classes in Austin can seem a little dullsville. If all else fails, I recount my one fabulous night of Italian passion. I think there are still 2 or 3 people in the world I haven't told about that.
However! Have no fear. I will not let finals deter me from having a little fun over the next few weeks. And then it's summer! Stories galore. Or at least a lot of shit talking.

Well...hello there

2009-04-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

Who...me? Fallen off the face of the planet? Not really - I've just been exploring it. To the three people that noticed this here blog was private for a minute, thanks for caring! I didn't actually invite people to read and, as you can see, I didn't write anything in the interim. It was just a precautionary measure during a brief fit of paranoia. Completely not even worth talking about.
Anyhoodle, I'm back, folks. I know, I know. This is earth-shatteringly fantastic news to those three people who stop by once a month. You're welcome.
While I've been gone from here, I've been writing about my travels. That has fed my need to type...but now that I have no more adventures planned, I'm back to boring you good people of the internet with details of my life. Or lack thereof.
This year, which I can't believe we're four months into already, has been full of ups and downs. I'm currently on an upswing and loving life. Talk to me next week when I realize that finals are, like, tomorrow (YES, I'm STILL IN SCHOOL. I chose the path of neverending studenthood. Sigh.) but as of right now, it's beautiful outside, I have been getting out in it, and I'm positive this summer will pan out exactly the way it needs to. On that note, cross your fingers for me. Need job. Thanks.
It's no coincidence that my return to blogging coincides with the beginning of finals season. I'll do anything to avoid opening these 50 pound books. But I must get to it. See, I've been sort of lax about the whole "go to class" portion of school lately. Well, always. But lately, I have taken it to a whole new level. So. In an effort not to fail anything, I must get cracking. If I do, in fact, pass all of my classes...next year's schedule will be SWEET! I could technically graduate in December but please. Why would I push up graduating when I have NO IDEA what I'll be doing after. Besides, I'm thinking of throwing an undergrad language, art or music course in there next spring to really bring it home nicely.
And. Yeah. That's all I gots to say.

I'm confused

2009-02-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Wedding Crashers on TBS...thanks for the heads up, KO.
Anyhoo, how is it possible that the following words are acceptable on TBS:
homo, asshole, and tits...

but dyke gets changed to "dork"...wtf.

And since when are all the above words acceptable on TBS in general. Seriously. My children are never watching TV.

Further proof...

2009-02-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

that I am going to marry Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
He is starring in the remake of one of my FAVORITE movies.
I am so incredibly glad that I was by myself when I saw the commercial for this movie because the first time the girl said "Witch Mountain"...I may have squealed like a little girl. Orrrr...crazy bitch. Potato potahto.
But seriously? I am having his babies. Mark my words.

I have hilarious friends

2009-01-20T06:26:00.001-08:00

My friend sent me this article with the subject "You are not alone."

If I had a dick...

2009-01-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

this is the part where I'd tell 2009 to suck it.
I had every intention of resuming blogging in the New Year, after I'd spent some QT with the fam. Then I had the bright idea of going out with friends for NYE. I NEVER go out for New Year's. It's not my thing, there are too many expectations, it's never fun because someone's always an asshole...but this year, I figured I hadn't seen my friends in four months and if Milan taught me anything, it's that leaving the house is a good thing.
False.
Leaving the house is a crap thing and January 1 firmly cemented my hermit status.
I had a GREAT time with my friends, was really happy catching up with people, and then BAM. Shitstorm.
My purse was stolen. With my life inside. Including my passport because why would an intelligent person like me take it out when returning to the US? And my camera. With every picture I'd taken since the end of November of Milan, Germany and Austria. Again, because why would an intelligent person upload her fucking photos sometime over the course of a month? I was doing it every day but for some reason, I hadn't done it yet. That is the worst part. The rest is replaceable. Yes, it was my favorite (expensive and beautiful) purse, my awesome wallet (again...expensive), every piece of photo ID I had (which has made getting the replacement passport that I need in March SUPER easy, let me tell you)...but all that shit will be replaced over time. Not any time soon since I have no money (including the f'ing $100 in cash I had in my pretty wallet because I'd just cashed in my euros) but it's replaceable. The pictures of me in a castle overlooking Salzburg? Not so much. The photos of the pristine snow glistening on the Alps as we drove from Milan to Germany? Nope. Let's not even discuss the picture I took as we descended into Paris. I can't even talk about it. Sunrise, fog, Eiffel Tower, moon. UGH.
People suck and I'm never going anywhere again.
So, after that, I didn't really feel like writing because I wanted to be able to say something positive. I wanted to relay exactly how phenomenal my time abroad was and how much I'd learned, grown, lived. I was waiting until I left my folks' house and got back to my place, so I could settle in and try to do justice to the experience. Or at least start fresh with something uplifting. I didn't want to whine about how pissed I am with myself or how much I hate people. You're welcome.
Today, I'm packing up my stuff, getting the car all ready...and my fucking back goes out. School starts tomorrow and I am flat on my back, three hours from Austin, crying my face off because I need my dad to help me walk to the bathroom.
What the FUCK, 2009. What is your fucking issue.
The past two months (since November 20 to be precise), I have experienced the kind of karmic retribution one only sees in movies. It's like the universe wants to punish me for every shitty thing I've ever done, said, thought...as quickly as possible. I'm hoping it's just getting it all out of the way before I turn 30. It's like I hit 29 and a week later, Universe thought to itself "Self, we really should pay this bitch back but let's hurry up and give the kid a break in her 30s, k? K."
28 was an awesome year. 29 is kind of a suckfest.
So. I declare February 1 the NEW New Year's Day. January 31, I am going to spend the evening like I should have spent December 31. In my pjs, with some champagne, on the couch, watching cheesy dance movies (how is it I still have not seen Step Up 2? Ridiculous.) And Super Bowl Sunday, I will start the year anew.

Let's Go Away For A While

2008-12-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

Jamie, over at Always More to Hear, posted this. Since I'm completely avoiding studying for finals and always enjoy any music-related exercise, here you go.

RULES

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from. (Feel free to do if you wish - no tags necessary - just let me know if you do since I enjoy these things)
5. Add a pic that you think represents you at this moment in time.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Wonderful Tonight (Live) - Eric Clapton

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Physical - Olivia Newton-John (stop laughing)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Like This - Kelly Rowland (I have no idea where this song came from.)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
It's Growing - The Temptations

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Can't Help Falling in Love - Elvis Presley (bite me)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Every Day of the Week - Jade (Of course...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Break Each Others Hearts Again - Reba McEntire & John Henley

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow (This could NOT be more perfect!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Fuck Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs (ok, this is just creepy)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Supersonic - JJ Fad

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces - Ben Folks Five

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You Win Again - Ray Charles

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
He Gets That From You - Reba McEntire

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Tornadoes - Drive By Truckers

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Take Him Back - Monica (um. ouch.)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Are You Lonesome Tonight - Elvis Presley (F OFF ELVIS!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Isn't She Lovely - Stevie Wonder

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
All of Me - Billie Holiday

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Umi Says - Mos Def

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Funkier Than A Mosquitoes Tweeter - Ike & Tina Turner (awesome)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Stand By Me - Ben E. King

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Moby Octopad - Yo La Tengo (I'll be reading those lyrics in depth later)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Battlestations - Wham! (Yes. Wham. With an exclamation point, bitch.)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Eventually - Pink (um. thanks)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Pourquoi Me Reveiller (Why Awaken Me) - Luciano Pavarotti

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
How Do I Say - Usher

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Let's Go Away for a While - Bullion

Photo credit goes to Funky Brown Chick

I am ready...

2008-12-06T15:17:00.001-08:00

...to go home.

Things that make me consider emotional cutting...

2008-12-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

An email I got from ADiamondIsForever.com (because I'm a masochist):

Like a diamond, love endures. From December the 1st to the 4th, 2-8 p.m., in New York’s romantic Madison Square Park, you and your loved one can create an Unbreakable Kiss under a sculptural arrangement of mistletoe. Your kiss will be recorded by 60 cameras that make a moving image of your moment, frozen in time forever.
Oh but wait...it gets better. There's a gallery online. Awesome.

But then, I saw one of "Nancy and Annette" who captured a total best friend moment, with both arms in the air. And I realized that I am surrounded by love. Because my BFF would TOTALLY pose for a picture with me under the stupid mistletoe. Since we already have a photo of us looking like each other's dates at Senior Year Semiformal. I love my friends and family. (And miss them terribly which is another post altogether.) So vive l'amour. Damn it.

Always More to Hear

2008-11-10T09:17:00.001-08:00

I meant to do this weeks ago, but I'm a procrastinator. One of my oldest (like, preschool homies) and loveliest friends started a music blog. She knows her stuff, folks. Just check out her profile info.
Anyway, she rocks hard so you should check her out if you are looking to discover new music or rediscover old faves. And today, she remembers an especially important artist in my life, Miriam Makeba. Rest in song, Miriam. Thanks for the gift.

Election Roundup

2008-11-07T04:09:00.000-08:00

Since I have too much to say and am too lazy to say it...some of my favorite post-election posts from some of my favorite blogs.

7-year old discuss "Rock Ohmamma"

On Hate and Love

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

we - the people - won

PS...Blogger is starting to piss me off. That is all.

Homesick

2008-10-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

No, not for the US. But for my blog home. I miss good old CBC. I have been writing about Milan strictly for my parents and I gotta tell you...I miss not having to censor myself. I miss typing "fuck" and I miss being able to bitch about petty things. Also, writing fairly regularly for them has reminded me that I really do love to write. So I forsee a return to regular blogging when I get home. Or before. There are some non-parentally-friendly stories I should document somewhere before I forget. Nothing extremely juicy but stuff your dad shouldn't be subjected to. But mostly, I just miss the blogworld! No idea if anyone is still checking this after two months of silence (and an even longer period of sporadaic, shitty posts), unless you're a Google Reader fiend like me and can be lazy. But I plan on making a comeback and hope I haven't lost everyone.
Miss you bitches.

HOLY SHIT!

2008-08-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

I will be leaving the country in 10 hours.
Well...technically, I will be leaving for Atlanta. And then sitting in Atlanta for a good four hours.
But THEN...
I will be leaving the country. For a new country. Over there.
My back decided to be an asshole today so I spent 3 hours in a chiro's office (and it didn't fix it so much but made it bearable) but I still managed to get everything done I needed to do. This included 10 different errands that I totally didn't feel it necessary to do on Saturday. I'm a last minute type o' broad.
Awesome.
I had fun running around with my mommy though and we got to spend the day doing what we love, which is be together, and I bought a new-fangled international cell phone so I don't have to think about it when I'm over there. We got home and made one of my all time faves, Steak Au Poivre. With a side of wine. Just a smidge. My bro is here also so it was a great evening. Now I'm pretty much packed and pulling it all together.
And I feel ready.
I'm hoping I don't cause a damn scene at the airport. Because I can be a tad emotional, in case no one's noticed.
Again...
Holy. Shit.
Abroad.
Tomorrow.
Well...Wednesday, technically.
HOLY.
SHIT.
YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guest in my own home

2008-08-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'm in the midst of a two week vacation in LA. It's strange to come home and feel like a guest. When I went to college, my parents sold the house I grew up in and moved about an hour south. (And then followed me across the country but that's beside the point.) There's no real home base for me in LA anymore now that my folks and all of my siblings are elsewhere. So the city is home to me but I still feel rather homeless while here. It is also a city of driving so being car-less is, at the very least, annoying. At worst, it's completely isolating. I do not like being dependent on other people and relying on friends for transportation. This comes as much from a desire to be independent and move freely as from the need to not impose on people.
That said (just a mini-vent), I have amazing friends who give me free reign in their homes and go so far out of their way to make me comfortable, it's completely overwhelming. Nic, I'm talking to you.
I have had an amazing time thus far - friends, family, my gorgeous nephew - and have been brought to literal tears by the perfect weather (if one more person tells me it's humid, I'm gonna box them up and ship them to mid-August Texas). Every time I ask myself why I left this state, I am reminded that I'm in Texas for a reason and that it was the best option for me at the time. It was a smart decision and I only truly regret it during bouts of extreme homesickness. And how can I be mad at a state that has brought me some of the best forever-friends a girl could wish for.
I'm off to enjoy the remainder of my trip - hopefully stealing my current host's car this weekend to spend some more time staring at the ocean - and go give some attention to the dog currently pawing my arm in a painful plea to stop typing already.
And to entertain you...a visual DNA profile. Mine was dead on. Enjoy!

Oh. My. Guh.

2008-08-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Italy.
For four months.
Italy.
One-third of the year.
HOLY SHIT!!!!!
I just registered for classes and that somehow made it real. Even more real than when I bought my ticket. (Of course I have nowhere to live but that is neither here nor there.) A thousand times more real than when I got the email in November telling me I was accepted.
It's real.
I am going to get up in the morning...and go sit in a classroom...on the other side of the world. I'm going to bathe, cook, eat, walk, travel...on the other side of the damn globe.
Now THAT, my friends, is fucking cool.

Searching for a combo of 1 and 2...

2008-07-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

While I finish this stupid f'ing project that will most likely take me deep into the night and then start studying for my final...
Please refer to the Chyck for my thoughts.

Thanks, girl. You're a lifesaver.

Dude.

2008-07-22T23:01:00.001-07:00

Details on my trip later but it was fantastic. Even with the tornado warning and insane hail storm (which we spent cowering in a car under a bridge), it was an amazing trip. But I will talk about that another time.
Right now, I'm focused on the fact that I am growing older by the day. I realize that I am still young and that 90% of my friends are older than I am. This means most of you have already gone through this. Let me start by saying that I have no problems with my age, know I am extremely young and look forward to growing older. That said, it's a crazy f'ing day when you realize that the JC Penney commercial mimicking the Breakfast Club is not aimed at the children, but at the moms...who are your age.
W. T. F.
It is NOT okay to use 80s movies.
This coupled with the fact that damn near every girl I played volleyball with in high school is now married, some with babies...well, that just seals the deal.
Thanks to ad agencies everywhere and Facebook for making me realize I have officially entered mom age.

With love from New Hampshire

2008-07-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

AmyD posted this and I enjoyed reading it so figured I'd post it as well. I'm sittin on the couch in New Hampshire with the Hub (it's way past the Suz's bedtime), watching Friends and teaching him all about how to waste time on Facebook. Enjoy!

1) In five words, explain what ended your last friendship?
Bitches are fucking cah razy.

2) How was your prom night?
Really fun! I didn't get to stay for all of the post-partying, however, because I had volleyball regionals the next day and had to get up at 5. I got about three hours of sleep.

3) Do you have any famous relatives?
Define famous.

4) Have you taken out loans to pay for college?
Yes. Paid off the college loans a few years ago. And am now racking up unbelievable amounts in grad school. Awesome.

5) What did you receive last in the mail?
Probably bills.

6) What beverages have you drank today?
Water, coffee, V-8, and vodka mixed with (wait for it) Ovaltine. Yeah. We were craving white russians or mudslides. Didn't have the ingredients. Got creative. We're awesome.

7) Do you leave nasty messages on people’s answering machines?
Um, I hope not. Probably have when I was drunk or mid-breakup.

8 ) What’s the most painful surgical procedure you’ve had done?
Wisdom teeth. I have a high tolerance for novocaine apparently and he started cutting before I was numb. I was sleepy from the other stuff but perked up and grunted when I felt the pain. So he shot me full of more novocaine and it was all good. Until he had to break the last one. And the sound and pressure woke me up. I heart Vicodin.

9) What is out your back door?
A hallway.

10) Do you usually go out on the weekends?
Nope. I'm a homebody for the most part. I probably go out about once a month. Maybe.

11) Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Sure. Until I have to wash and comb through it.

12) Have you ever visited a planetarium or do you even know what one is?
Yes and yes.

13) What is your favorite flavor of pudding?
Chocolate I suppose. Not a huge pudding connoisseur.

14) Describe your keychains:
Better yet...

15) Where do you keep your change?
A little tin bank that's shaped like a gingerbread house. And in the bottom of every single bag I own. My wallet change purse opens a lot.

16) When was the last time you got up and spoke in front of a large crowd?
Presentation in class this past semester. Not a large crowd but I still get anxious.

17) What kind of winter coat do you have?
A black bubble jacket I bought for New York. It was my pretty much first winter coat as an adult.

18) What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Probably hot, humid and miserable since it was August in Florida. But the ceremony was indoors. I do remember my high school graduation being absolutely perfect weather though. God, I miss Cali.

19) Do you sleep with the door to your bedroom open or closed?
Open. I don't like stuffy.

20) Is there anything purple within 20 feet of you?
The cover of the Friends DVD. I had to enlist the Hub on that one to search with me.

21) What is the strangest thing you’ve put in the microwave?
Ice cream.

22) Can you speak any Japanese?
I used to be able to count to ten thanks to the ju jitsu coach guy in middle school.

23) Do you look good in the color yellow?
Yes. I don't wear it often enough.

24) Do you spit or smoke?
When drunk.

25) What is your favorite color(s)?
Blue. Yellow.

26) Ever played an instrument?
I played the piano for years. Trying to teach myself how to play the guitar but never stick with it long enough to actually be any good.

27) Do you believe in Bigfoot, or Sasquatch?
Um, no but I did enjoy the movie Harry and the Hendersons.

20) Ever been to a palm reader?
I think so at a party or something. Don't really remember.

29) Did they tell you the truth about your future?
I highly doubt it.

30) What are you thinking about at this very moment?
Friends entertains me. I'm a simple girl.

31) Have you ever received a black eye?
Yes. From a misquito. True story and I have the pictures to prove it.

32) What is your biggest current disappointment?
Oh let's not even go there tonight.

33) What are some of your favorite drinks?
Water, red wine, martinis

34) Do you have anything that hurts on your body at this time?
Let's not go there either...I'm content right now.

35) Have you ever ridden in a taxi?
Yes.

36) What is the last alcoholic drink you had?
The martini I had at dinner. Slightly dirty, three olives.

37) Did you do anything special last night?
Dinner with Suz and Hub, which included two bottles of wine. And then apparently Hub and I thought a shot of tequila would be an excellent idea. Then our three drunk asses proceeded to play Rock Band for about four hours. Literally. That shit is FUN!!!! And I get to live out my rock star fantasies. I love the drums. And suck at guitar.

38) What is your very favorite food?
Pizza. And my mom's mac and cheese. Ok, I could do this forever. I heart food.

YAY!

2008-07-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

After a crappy last week (which was entirely self-induced but is now being blamed on PMS), I drove to the folks' on Friday. I should have gone two days earlier but was convinced I would snap out of my funk and commence being productive. Ha.
Three days with the Rents and an afternoon of splashing in the pool with my munchkin = free therapy, people. I am tan, happy, and best of all...packing to go see the Suz!!
It's been too long. I am SO looking forward to four days with my friend, the Hub and, of course, the Mazerbutt, Princess of Puppydom. Seriously. I wish I could express how lovely it's going to be. Wine. Scrabble. Friend. Theater. Wine. Friend. YAAAAY!!!!!

Thinly veiled avoidance

2008-07-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yet another post in the midst of the shitstorm that is the past couple of days. I'm really over school. Like really, truly need a goshdamn break from this bullshit. I should have used this summer to head home and get a job but then again, there are valid reasons why I stayed here. Just having a hard time remembering those when trying to memorize my oral argument for this stupid appellate brief that I have to give in 30 minutes. Don't wanna. Granted, it's in front of just my professor but in some ways that's more scary. Especially since I actually respect him and don't want him to think I'm a raging dumbass.
Also, since my back decided to spaz the fuck out yesterday, I didn't get nearly enough work done so am not trying to cram it in the next 20 minutes. Awesome.
Anyhoo. Instead of memorizing, I'm typing this. In the hopes it gets my brain juices flowing. Or something.
The boy from the last post, who incidentally was also from last summer - I'll have to find something about him and link later - has of course fallen off the face of the planet. Which sucks only because I was really looking forward to some dick this past weekend. I'm sure it is for the best because there is a reason I cut him off the begin with. Best to enjoy him for a night than spend too much time and realize why the hell I wasn't talking to him anymore. It was just what I needed to carry me through the next few weeks until I get to GO HOME!!! YAY!!!!
I really can't wait. Like. F'real. Pharreally? Pharreal.
God, I need to see my peeps. Especially since the next time I see them will be after Milan. Must get in as much time as possible. I also need to set up a gig for next summer so I don't have to spend another hot ass bug-filled summer here. Learning to love the city, but really...I'd love it a lot more if I could skip the summers.
I get to see the folks tomorrow and work on getting my visa for the fall (everyone's fingers crossed that it's not a huge pain in my ass, please!) - can't wait for the cuddle time and lovefest.
Alright, officially taking procrastination to a whole new level. Time to pop a xanny and attempt to breathe. Why does speaking cause me rumbly tumbly? So annoying.

All sighs and smiles

2008-06-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ladies...I come to you today a much happier woman.
Not that I was unhappy before. I've actually been quite content as of late. However, today I am constantly smiling. To myself. And can't stop. Even when I need to stop, like when the professor is looking at me and wondering what the hell my grin is about. Can't stop. Or when the FedEx guy says "Good morning" and I give him a ridiculous grin and giggle. GIGGLE.
Why, you ask?
Ah. It's so simple.
Last night, I finally let go of the idea that celibacy was good for me. I bid adieu to the notion that I was doing myself some kind of service by passing on the penis. Over the past year or so, I have let the judgment and attitude of others convince me that as women, we don't really NEED sex. That it was more natural to let my sometimes overwhelming needs come and go. That in doing without, I was doing myself some kind of service and becoming more of a woman in my ability to just say no.
What the fuck is that?
Just say Yes, people. Just say YES.
I am woman. I need sex.
(As a side note, if this doesn't ring true for you and you do not actually need sex, then God bless you. We don't have to understand each other but let's sidestep the ugly judgment of it all.)
The past month proved to me that sex is not something that I can ignore. Sometimes, the thought will pass (usually after I stop ovulating since I am, after all, supposed to be breeding or something) and I move on. I have my handydandy boyfriend, J.R., to get me through the tough times. This month however, my body would not be fooled. Instead, it recruited my brain.
I have been pushing sex out of said Brain with daily activity, television, school, whatever I could find. Body would try to remind Brain...constantly...but I maintained control.
And then the fuckers went into cahoots. Brain said FUCK YOU and started in with the sex dreams. And not mild ones. Vivid, ridiculously real sex dreams full of men I've known and sometimes outright strangers. Hot strangers. But strangers. Damn near every night for a month, Brain would tease Body with these dreams. And when Body woke up, she was PISSED.
Last night, I finally gave her a break. Today...I am giddy. I am relaxed, happy and smiling like a goshdamn FOOL.
And last night's dream? Could not begin to tell you. I think I slipped into a six hour coma.

Monthly (Fascinating) Update

2008-06-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Interesting that I choose to post when I have the most to do, isn't it?
I have no business being online but figure I'll get it out of my system and then head to the internet-less *bux to get my sheez done.
If anyone is a genius on the topic of Investment Theory and Practice, holla atcha girl. Because I'm effed.
Anyhoo, I wish I had something super interesting or fun to report but my days have consisted of class (yes, summer school - I am apparently trying to avoid returning to the working world forever), hitting the lake with my boyfriend (a dog - no, an actual dog I borrow from KO, he's better than any man), and trying to build up my endurance (or, you know, get any whatsoever) by doing the Couch to 5k plan. Thanks to Nic and her bomb ass podcasts, I'm getting my run on. Which I haven't done since...oh...2000? Once I was no longer required to arise at 5am by sadistic trainers and coaches, I boycotted running altogether. Well, I boycotted fitness in any form and abandoned my life as an athlete. So now I'm working on bringing back the athletic Meeks of yesteryear and it's been super fun. I still hate running and will most likely never be that girl who straps on the shoes for a quick jog, but this has been a great boost to my workout. I like the interval aspect of it. I'm also sore in places that just aren't tapped from walking or the elliptical. My knees are a tad upset with me, but with a little ice and a well-timed Ibuprofen, they are learning to cooperate. Sorta.
Anyway, that's what I've been doing. I've given up on men since I cannot seem to find anyone that is not a world class bitch. (Not counting Assface, of course, because we talk every day and have taken to jokingly referring to each other as Boyfriend and Girlfriend, in lieu of our names. Because we're hilarious. And needy. Sigh. Ah the crutch that is Assface...no time for that post right now...) A girl could really use some dick these days but I gotta tell you - the shit ain't worth what I've had to put up with from these mofos lately. Maybe if you stop fucking TALKING MY FACE OFF every time we get on the phone, I'll be more inclined to call you. But then again...not really, because you are so unbelievably annoying, I want to poke my eyes out when I'm with you. Why am I such a dude.
I have, of course, been keeping up with all my blog reading instead of school related reading so thanks for all the entertainment, folks!

Hindsight

2008-06-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

This is going to come across as exceedingly juvenile and ridiculous but it has parallels in my life that I can't explain here. So think of me what you will but know that I'm speaking of others and am not addicted to People. Even though I used to have an Us Weekly subscrip. Damn I miss that. Wait, where was I?

Today TiVo caught an episode of Dawson's Creek from 1999. The contents of the episode are completely irrelevant but I found myself crying out (internally) to two actresses.
Obviously, I mentally warned Joey Potter about the alien loving midget she would encounter in five years but she didn't listen. You can't argue with aliens.
And then Jen came on the screen. Dear sweet Jen who every girl in my life hated when she first appeared because she was everything we weren't supposed to be. Sexual. Disillusioned. Realistic beyond her TV years.
I never really watched Dawson when it first aired but always found Joey sweet but super annoying. And I found Jen somewhat irritating but more my speed. Of course my high school persona was her complete opposite but since they were a few years behind, her rebellious character struck a chord with the whore I was in college.
Anyhoo, as the camera zoomed in on her precious, clean face of almost 10 years ago...I found myself warning her. That she was going to fall in love with a troubled man, that she would give birth to his child, and that she would be left to raise that child on nothing but memories of her father. Of course, Jen has films and characters to show her little girl but who knows what is left to depict the man she once loved.
As I watched her, I realized it wouldn't have mattered. Even if her teenage self could hear me, she wouldn't trade that love, that life, that child...for anything. Her ex's family would not have a living, breathing expression of his genetic inheritance to witness. And she wouldn't be able to physically grasp what was most likely her first love.
So here's to life in all of its uncertainty.

Fuck Texas.

2008-06-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

I guess I should be thankful that this is only the second one I've seen in my place but I tell you, these motherfuckers are getting bigger by the year. I opened my medicine cabinet to retrieve my tweezers (which reminds me that I never plucked, damn it) and the asshole was staring at me. Eye level. With its stupid goddamn feeler things moving around. I screamed, which is seriously unlike me, but I screamed like the little bitch I am about bugs and slammed the cabinet shut. Good move. Now it was trapped inside with my Olay and, more importantly, my Xanax. I spent the next 20 minutes inside of a really bad girly movie about why it's important to keep a boyfriend handy. I came THIS CLOSE to calling the latest waste-of-time but opted to call my mom instead. Like she could do anything about it. It was the moral support I needed. I finally opened the cabinet - with a broom because I'm super brave - and the fucker hid behind my after-sun lotion. ASSHOLE! I emptied half a can of Raid into my cabinet, completely dousing all of my products, not the mention my toothbrush. And the fucker LEAPT out of my cabinet and into my sink where it skittered and tried to outrun the steady stream of poison I was spraying. Another quarter of a can and it was dead. Presumably. I wasn't taking chances so I just finished the can off. Note to self: get Raid at the store.
Now I had a dead roach and half of my medicine cabinet in my sink. I IM'd a friend that I'd pay him $10 to come over and pick the thing up, but he was nowhere to be found. Using the bright ideas of both Nic and my mom, I sprang into action. Sprang. Ten minutes of staring at the thing lying dead in my sink. A plastic cup, half a roll of paper towels and two knotted plastic bags later, I am free.
I live in a nice place, on the top floor and am a clean person. It is ridiculous that roaches don't understand this.
I really, really, really want to move back to Cali.
Really.

Happy Anniversary to the Suz and Hubby

2008-05-27T22:24:00.001-07:00

Two years ago today, I had the honor of walking down the aisle in front of and singing to the Suz and the Hub. They are celebrating tonight in their brand new house - where I plan on visiting them shortly because we are way behind on our wine and Scrabble nights.
Their wedding was gorgeous and I feel eternally privileged to be a part of it. I also plan on using their flower guy when my day comes because they were ridic.
Of course, I was the picture of class about two hours after the ceremony when the young folks hit an outdoor bar for drinks. I can neither confirm nor deny that I told the best man that his wife was a cunt rag bitch. Have I mentioned how ladylike I am? (In my defense, she totally is and he had nothing to say in rebuttal. He just bowed his head and nodded.)

Big hugs and love, Suz!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEEEAAARRR NIICCOOO-OOOLE...

2008-05-27T00:09:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Love love love you to bits and am ever so grateful to have you in my life.

A belated meme

2008-05-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

Months ago, Lori started a meme. Nicole was the inaugural memer during her interview series and tagged me. At the time, I was on a very unofficial hiatus. Busy with school, didn't feel like writing much of anything, etc. After my quick post last night, I was reminded of how good writing feels. So now I'm getting around to the things I had filed away under I'll do it when I f'ing feel like it! and we shall begin here.

1. What prompted you to start blogging?
The prompt's name would be Nicole. I was feeling particularly fucked in the head after I moved to Austin and went back to school. Nic had started a blog (duh), which I read religiously, and her blog led me to other blogs. And so it began. I have always loved writing - in journals and otherwise - but had stopped for the most part. Nic suggested I start my own blog as a place to vent (apparently she was tired of me bitching to her every day). When I first started, she was the only person I told. I gradually told a few more trusted friends as anonymity was super important to me - I wanted to be completely candid and discovered through this that I'm more of a private person than I originally thought. Anyway, all this to say - blame Nicole for the blog, it was totally her idea. And I love her for it.

2. Have you ever been the victim of a crime?
Yes, but I completely blame myself. I was staying with my pseudo-boyf (who later became The Married One) since I was still living at my parents' in the OC but working (in a horrible job that only lasted two weeks) in LA. Anyhoo, I arrived at his place late, sick and feeling sorry for myself. And left all my shit in the backseat of my car. Stupid. SO STUPID. Came out the next morning to a shattered back window. They got it all - my big work bag with everything in it, wallet (including my social security card because I had just started work and had to bring it with me), checkbook, my favorite damn sunglasses, my pretty Coach purse. Yet somehow overlooked the leather jacket sitting right next to it. And my phone was spared because I had left it in the front. I felt so violated. They used my debit card at a couple of gas stations and used a check to stock up at Vons (criminal masterminds) but I was able to get everything back after a year of f'ing hassle. All my fault. Never leave shit in your car.
I've had other people steal various shit from me - like the girl who stole 50 bucks, a bottle of Vicodin and my dad's sweatshirt from my hotel room - but I know I'm blessed in that the only things taken from me are just that...THINGS. Who needs 'em.
Oh and my mom and I were assaulted in our car when I was about 5 or so. She honked at some moron on a skateboard in the middle of the road - he picked it up and started beating the window next to my head, screaming he was going to break in the motherfucking window and kill her kid (i.e. ME). She couldn't get away - thanks LA traffic - and I think that's the most scared I've ever been. I used to have panic attacks whenever we approached Pico Blvd. My dad went out looking for him that night - I'm positive he would have killed him if he'd found him.

3. Have you ever witnessed someone else being the victim of a crime?
I once saw a guy pulling down a mask and heading into a liquor store (which is where I was headed too) but I peeled the fuck out of there before I actually witnessed anything. As I was flooring it out of the parking lot, I almost ran over the lookout. We made eye contact. Freaked me out. I called 911 when I got to my friend's house around the corner and we heard the helicopter but don't know what actually happened.

4. What is your favorite color? Why?
Blue. All things blue. Sky blue, navy blue, royal blue. I'm not sure why but it makes me infinitely happy. Maybe because it's the color of the ocean and the color of the LA sky on a perfectly clear day. I've also become increasingly fond of yellow in my old age. Sunshine. Brightness. It makes me happy. BFF used to say that yellow was the color of intelligence and would bring a big Tweety bird to our finals in middle school. So maybe it's because it reminds me of her.

5. What talent or skill would you most like to have, that you feel you do not have?
I wish had the songwriting gift. BFF says it's because I've never tried. I also wish I had various other artistic talents. I wish I could paint, draw, create beautiful art. I also wish I had a quick wit in conversations. I get nervous if I feel I'm being put on the spot and suck at small talk. Witty banter. Yeah.

6. If you could go back and do one thing over in your life, what would it be? Would you make a change, or do everything exactly the same?
I would love a do-over of a lot of things. However, I try not to live in regret because all that does is detract from enjoying life in the present. That being said...I think I would work on being happy rather than sitting comfortably in my sadness. In middle school, in high school, in my first two years of college, four years ago, two years ago. I wish I had removed myself from my comfort zone of discontent and slapped a damn smile on my face since my life is unbelievably charmed. Still working on that.

7. What do you consider your most physically attractive asset? (Hair, legs, smile, etc.)
{In light of the last question, I am going to answer this without any self-deprecation or thoughts of what used to be my most attractive assets.} Right now...I have pretty brown eyes and a nice smile. My roommates in college call me the Cheshire Cat. Aaaand that makes me sound creepy. But I had five years of braces so my teeth are damn nice. Oh and my rack. Duh.

8. When do you feel the most vulnerable?
When people compliment me. When I feel physically uncomfortable. In large groups of people. I do NOT like large groups of people.

9. If you were a rap star, what would your stage name be?
Homie G. Willikers

10. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. All variations and attached to any other word.

11. Use it in a sentence and tag five other bloggers you'd like to answer the same questions.
I think all you motherfuckers have done this already so if you'd like to - feel free. If not, fuck do I care.

Deep breathing

2008-05-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

I am finally resting with the folks...having a lovely time cooking with mom, watching basketball with dad. Life is good. I have a week until I go back to continue with the never-ending stream of school so I am enjoying my days with them to the fullest. Yesterday was my mom's birthday so today, I took her to see the new Indiana Jones movie. She's a big Indy fan. We had a great time munching popcorn and loving Harrison. Then came home and watched There Will Be Blood. Talk about taking the fun out of a day. All in all a fab time though.
~~~
Currently, I am attempting to remain calm about my pending semester in Milan. I know everything will get done so I'm hoping to stave off the anxiety I feel brewing. The most worrisome is the issue of housing. I refuse to live in a dorm. I am entirely too old to be told what to do and would inevitably get kicked out for violating the insane no visitors after midnight rule. Come on now. Apartment hunting on the opposite side of the globe is a little stress inducing. Not to mention the prospect of living with people I've never met. I don't like very many people. The group gets significantly smaller when discussing law students. Therefore, the chances of me loving the people I'm going with are slim to none. I am focusing on staying positive and knowing I'll have a great time if I resolve to.
~~~
I have a tendency to stand in my own way. A lot. In every aspect of my life. It has been exceedingly apparent in the last year or so and I've grown tired of my pattern of self-sabotage. I explored the topic a bit with the counselor and am at least aware of it. She even suggested why I might be doing it and it has everything to do with fear. But somewhere between the awareness and execution of anti-sabotage, I lose my way. However, I have made progress in the past year and for that, I can be proud of myself. I didn't get this way overnight and changing my habits will not be a quick process. Patience with myself is the hardest to achieve. And seeing as I'm working with a very small amount of overall patience to begin with...well, there's only so much I allow to get back to me.

Oh, Blog. I've missed you.

2008-05-04T21:31:00.001-07:00

For a while there, I was feeling that I had nothing of interest to say. I was also more than a little paranoid about who was reading and questioning my choice to be, um, we'll call it "frank," in my posts. This is partially due to the fact that I learned people that actually knew me were reading, without my knowledge. It's a little disconcerting. But in the end, I've always been a blunt kind of girl so it's not like I'm saying things I wouldn't say in normal conversation (scary, huh?).
That aside, I was also a bit over it, I guess you could say. The whole blogging thing. I wasn't thinking about it in the same way, as something to look forward to. However, in the past week or so, I've been missing it - the writing, the getting it out, the dialogue with other peeps. (Speaking of, Google Reader has made me the WORST commenter ever! Now I get to glut myself on all of your blogs without giving anything back. I will work on this after finals.)
So, I've had some things to say lately and realized that I'd forgotten the point of this thing. It's for me. It's my space. And it's an amazing way to be connected with my friends that I don't get to see much anymore. Not to mention those that I've (never) met through this.
All this to say...
I decided to get the fuck over myself and get back to writing. Not right now though. Two papers and a final this week. Awesome.
I'm looking forward to getting some things down and seeing where it goes.
Ok, I'm really hilarious. This is all an exercise in procrastination. I'm so transparent.
~~~
In other news...Happy Baby, Di!!! I can't wait to meet him.

Earnieface

2008-04-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

Everyone please send love out to the Suz. Her most wonderful doggie has gone away, just a few days after they moved to a new home in a new state. Today, he decided that she was all settled in and he got tired. They had to put him down this afternoon and I know it took so much for her to call me. She knew I'd want to know and through all her pain, she even managed to comfort me. I've known Earnie since I was 16 and he was my boyfriend. I love my Earnieface and I will miss him more than I can even deal with right now.

PS - If that could be the last animal to go away for a while, that would be great. My eyes are about to swell shut permanently and people are going to start to talk.